Things I wouldn't put in my mouth: Part 5,371

Everyone likes a hot dog now and then. But dang it, they're just not available in octopus shapes! Until now.

Insane.

You see, the Octodog is a device that takes an ordinary, delicious hot dog and converts it into some sort of nightmarish, hell-spawned lovechild of Oscar Meyer and Jacques Cousteau. The website contains a link entitled, "Why Octodog?" That's exactly what I was wondering. Why? WHY?! What's the matter with a cheese coney from JCI? What is wrong with you people that you have to destroy something wonderful with your demonic, eight-tentacled, plastic food-rapists? Turns out it's for the children:

The hotdog is among the top ten items found in many lists concerning choking occurrences in young children. Pediatricians recommend slicing a hotdog linearly. The method of slicing a hotdog linearly can reduce the chances of choking during consumption. A sliced hotdog is a safer way to serve hotdogs to children. Octodogs are not only fun, but may be a safer way to serve hotdogs.

Ugh.