Bell shuts down fundraising drive

Chris Bell, out of his supreme care for humanity, has shut down his "$25,000 by August 31" fundraising drive, instead encouraging would-be contributors to donate to the American Red Cross:

I read the news today, oh boy. The Chris Bell for Governor campaign is calling off our online fundraising drive out of respect for the hurricane victims. Please do what you can for those who can't do for themselves. Please do as much as you can, and then please do more. We're taking down our fundraising thermometer and putting up the link to the Red Cross until the end of the week.

Incredibly, a commenter on the blog seemed to think that Bell was pouring his campaign war chest into hurricane relief:

Because of your kindness, I am paying it forward by making a donation to the victims of Hurricane Katrina -- victims that include friends of family of ours. God bless you, Chris, and anyone else who donates to the Red Cross.

What kindness? Bell avoids looking tacky by soliciting political funds during a disaster, AND he can gloss over the fact that he was going to fall 10-20% short of his modest goal. It's not like Bell is shutting down his campaign and donating surplus "Re-Elect Chris Bell to Congress" yard signs as roofing materials.

There but for the grace of God go I

This sounds like something Wes and I would have done, if we'd thought of it first:

They say you can get just about anything at Wal-Mart, including arrested. Police say employees at a Wal-Mart called to report a young man was in the store on Tuesday in an orange prison jumpsuit and handcuffs, asking for a hacksaw. It turns out Joha Turner, 18, of Pittsburg, hadn't escaped from anywhere. He told police it was a prank. They told him he was under arrest, for disorderly conduct.

That's a good one.

Metro's mission statement, analyzed

Our beloved local transit authority has a mission statement, as follows:

METRO is an innovative regional transportation organization of dedicated employees committed to partnering with the public and private sectors to provide the safest, highest quality services and mobility solutions that exceed our customers' expectations while creating economic growth.

Let's break this down:

METRO is an innovative regional transportation organization

Recent Metro innovations include putting an electric streetcar on Main Street only a century after its invention.

of dedicated employees

Complaints against those dedicated employees are up.

committed to partnering with the public and private sectors

That partnership consists primarily of the public sector expropriating money and property from the private sector.

provide the safest, highest quality services

Willingly unpoliced Metro facilities have seen crime sprees, while on-time performance slipped 2 percentage points.

and mobility solutions

A couple weeks ago, I saw a Metro bus that had broken down on the Katy Freeway HOV lane. No big deal, that happens all the time, right? The bus driver had run out of fuel.

that exceed our customers' expectations

Every time a Metro bureaucrat ties his shoes correctly, Metro succeeds in this regard.

while creating economic growth

If a 1 percent sales tax creates economic growth, than a 600 percent sales tax will create 600 times as much economic growth, right? Houston will become so valuable that Metro won't know where to start condemning.

Chron scolds Metro for not exploiting almighty rail

Today, the Chron editorial board scolds Metro for failing Houston, but still insists on plugging the Danger Train:

Despite optimistic pro- jections [sic] of increased ridership on its bus system, Metropolitan Transit Authority officials continue to wrestle with a slump in the number of people using mass transit here and resulting declines in fare box revenues. Particularly worrisome, the successful light rail line should be pumping up those statistics with thousands of additional boardings each month, and climbing fuel costs should have made Metro more attractive to commuters.

Which is it, Chron? Is the light rail line successful, or has it failed to increase ridership? That said, kudos to the editors for pointing out Metro's dismal financial results:

According to a performance audit of Metro by consultants Booz Allen Hamilton Inc., passenger fare revenues plunged more than 14 percent during the last four years while operating expenses per passenger rose 35 percent. The audit found that passenger complaints increased significantly last year. A majority concerned driver behavior.

Yikes. Those are some pretty bad numbers. So are these:

"Metro's fare recovery ratio has been declining, and at 15 percent is low for the transit industry," the audit report says. Rates of 25 percent or more are common among big transit systems, it says.

The report says ridership slipped 5 percent in the three years, from 100 million yearly boardings to 95 million

On-time performance fell from 86 percent to 84 percent, and passenger complaints increased from 18.5 to 20 per 100,000 boardings.

Average occupancy: 10 riders, down 10 percent

Stories like these drive me into the arms of the Cato Institute.

Chris Bell not making much fundraising progress

This is pretty funny:

Better step it up, boys, or Chris Bell might not be able to mount a serious challenge to...HAHAHAHAHA... Sorry, I couldn't finish that sentence with a straight face.

Smash needs a job!

If you've got one available, give it to him.

Your tax dollars at... work?

I noticed that the current #1 consumer of fresh, hot Mattsapundit content and byproducts is... The City of Houston?! Whiskey tango foxtrot? That can't be right, can it? I guess it is. Apparently one of my beloved customers, used a City IP address to visit this humble blog at some very strange times for a government employee: Last night: 8:40 p.m. and 10:46 p.m. Today: 12:55 a.m., 3:12 a.m., 5:19 a.m., 7:21 a.m., 9:50 a.m. and 10:16 a.m. While it's nice to know that the White administration can't possibly go longer than a few hours without reading my stuff, I have to wonder: What the hell are you guys looking for? Get some sleep!

Laurence Simon: Cat freak, wiseass, class act

I made a little donation to Laurence Simon's Blogathon campaign, held to raise money for the Cat Welfare Society of Israel in honor of Edloe, his late kittycat. I'm not that big on cats, but there's no sense in letting creatures suffer needlessly. Besides, if the Palestinians get hold of Israeli cats, they'll send little Fluffy into a Sbarro in Jerusalem with a stick of dynamite up his ass. I found an envelope on my front porch today. It was postmarked August 13, 2005 and stamped "First Class," apparently to remind me of the stratospheric standards to which government employees aspire. The envelope bore "L. SIMON" in the return address. I opened it up, and inside was a full-page handwritten thank-you letter, accompanied by three 8.5x11 photos of Edloe, three smaller prints, a CD (autographed!) of 100 Word Stories and a "Run a Red, You're Dead" bumper sticker. I thought maybe I'd get a little card. I've gotta say, I'm pretty impressed. It's a shame that little acts of kindness and courtesy are rare enough that their appearances merit surprise, but that's the world, I guess. Kudos to Laurence for being a happy giver, a gracious recipient and a gentleman.

Benzion replies to Walsh on steakhouse review

In the August 11 issue of the Houston Press, food critic Robb Walsh went on a weirdly partisan tirade against the Taste of Texas. Here's a little sample:

Taste of Texas long ago slipped into the second tier. And I say this regardless of my political opinions. Edd Hendee, the restaurant's owner, vents his hatred for Muslims, liberals and immigrants five days a week on his talk-radio show. "They must have failed Bomb Making 101 down at the mosque," he recently quipped about the London terrorists whose bomb didn't go off. Hendee took over the show when the previous self-righteous far-rightist, Jon Matthews, was arrested for exposing his genitals to an 11-year-old child.

Yeah, that's classy. David Benzion sat and steamed for a while, but posted a biting response on blogHOUSTON today. You might say he doesn't pull any punches:

Robb Walsh is an elitist bigot, and his review of the Taste of Texas is was one of the most embarrassing examples of limousine liberalism I have ever witnessed. I'm no fan of viewing everything through the lens of critical theory identity politics, but is it not painfully obvious how much class-prejudice and thinly veiled misogyny are evident in Walsh and his (male) dinner companion dismissing a condiment they were offered as something that "even" suburban housewives would consider passé? Que horror, ziz iz not ayven feet for a seyboobin housewhiff!

Perhaps most intriguing is Walsh's assertion that despite the Taste of Texas having been "showered with awards" over the course of nearly three decades in business it has somehow "long ago slipped into the second tier." Clearly Walsh doesn't think very highly of the readers of his very own paper, who have seen fit to name the Taste of Texas "Best of Houston" for three of the past six years—1998, 1999, and waaaay back in 2004.

Read the whole thing. Note to self: Never piss Benzion off.

Chronicle to cut workforce by 7 percent

Less than a year after firing 10 percent of his employees, Chron publisher Jack Sweeney is again swinging the ax:

The Houston Chronicle is cutting about 7 percent of its work force as it restructures the operations and support areas of the newspaper, Publisher and President Jack Sweeney said. In a letter to Chronicle employees released late Thursday, Sweeney outlined the changes, which include involuntary layoffs, open positions that will not be filled, and changes in the use of contract labor and use of outside services. The restructuring will not affect the newsroom and advertising sales staff, Sweeney wrote.

Unfortunately, that last line is all too true. The Chron's news operations will continue as if nothing happened, alienating readers and leading to more layoffs to come.

Another blog get-together at the Stag's Head

Diane and I went down to the Stag's Head last night for another of Laurence's get-togethers. It was a nice time. Got to see Russell, Kyrie, David and Laurence again, and I finally got to meet Kuff and Evil Dwight. He's not all that evil, really. The star of the show, however, was Kuff's little one. Adorable little girl.

Say it with me now: "Awwwww!"

There was also a wonderful young lady handing out little shots of Southern Comfort and Coke. Thanks, honey.

Higher education, Cindy Sheehan style

Earlier this week, I wrote that Cindy Sheehan had gone off the deep end. I was wrong. You see, she actually went off the deep end much earlier. Here are a few snippets from an appearance on April 27, 2005 at San Francisco State University:

"They’re a bunch of fucking hypocrites! And we need to, we just need to rise up..." Sheehan said of the Bush administration.

"If George Bush believes his rhetoric and his bullshit, that this is a war for freedom and democracy, that he is spreading freedom and democracy, does he think every person he kills makes Iraq more free?"

"The whole world is damaged. Our humanity is damaged. If he thinks that it’s so important for Iraq to have a U.S.-imposed sense of freedom and democracy, then he needs to sign up his two little party-animal girls. They need to go to this war."

"We want our country back and, if we have to impeach everybody from George Bush down to the person who picks up dog shit in Washington, we will impeach all those people."

But this one is my favorite:

"We are waging a nuclear war in Iraq right now."

Just what we need. Mutant three-legged terrorists that stand 9 feet tall and glow in the dark.

Playgirl: Women like flab, body hair on men

This is hilarious:

Forget waxed chests and rock-hard abs. A new survey finds ladies like their men scruffy, a wee bit chubby - and definitely not a metrosexual. Playgirl asked 2,000 of its readers what they find sexy in a man and the answers were surprising: 42% said they thought love handles were kind of sexy and 47% approved of chest hair.

Rich playboys need not apply - only 4% of women said the size of a man's wallet mattered.

New York matchmaker Janis Spindel, a self-described specialist at setting up "highly successful, well-educated, attractive professionals," confirmed the survey's findings. "It's scary, but women don't care [about looks]," she said. "Men are very superficial and very shallow."

The survey also found that 96% of respondents were FREAKIN' LIARS.

BREAKING NEWS: Bramanti actually 'festering boil'

Ladies and gentlemen, I present reasoned, legitimate political discourse from our friends on the left. This one comes from Kathleen Lees:

Lincoln screwed up when he didn’t let the south secede from the union.

Yeah, you're right. He should've let the nation shatter and allowed slavery to continue. Good call.

The south was and remains the most primitive, ignorant and backward region in the country–an embarrasment to the rest of civilized America. Texas, populated by buffoons like you, is a festering boil on the ass of humanity.

So if Texas is the boil, does that make "civilized America" the ass?

So you’re going after bereaved mothers of Iraq war veterans. Your cruelty and ignorance must make you immune to any feeling of shame or pity. Your boy Bush (who,unlike Casey Sheehan, refused to fight for his country as a young man) has fixed it so the richest Americans don’t even have to pay tax, so why should Cindy Sheehan?

You might want to stick to the inflammatory wacko rhetoric, Kathleen. You're out of your depth when it comes to the facts. Take a look at these figures and you'll see that the top 1% of 1999 taxpayers (those would be "the richest Americans") paid 29% of the nation's income tax bill, and the top 10% paid 63% of all taxes.

Speaking of "performing" your duty, why isn’t your ass in Iraq instead of safe and cozy in Texas making up nasty lies about the family members of war dead????? You make me sick.

That's a tired, stupid argument, but I'll rebut it for about the 10,000th time. I root for the Notre Dame Fighting Irish. Does that mean I'm a hypocrite unless I strap on a gold helmet every Saturday and run out of the tunnel? Nope. Do you support curing cancer? I'm sure you do; we all do. Are you a cancer researcher? Nope, few of us are. Does that make you a hypocrite? No it doesn't. Are you against crime? Sure. Are you a cop, putting your life on the line, being shot at by bad guys? No, and you're not a hypocrite for doing another job. You get the idea. We're free to take principled stands on issues without being immersed in the front-line prosecution of those issues.

Safe Clear scumbags steal motorists' identities

Remember a while back when it surfaced that some Safe Clear drivers had criminal records? Well I'm shocked -- shocked! -- to learn that the towing industry still has more than its fair share of degenerate predatory criminal scumbags:

Two women from different parts of Houston became victims of identity theft and the only common link between the cases was a towing company with the city's Safe Clear program, the Local 2 Troubleshooters reported Monday.

Andrea Anderson broke down along Highway 59 near Collingsworth. A Safe Clear wrecker was dispatched.

A wrecker from Unified Auto Works towed Anderson's car to Humble. She paid the bill with her check card. Several days later, Anderson checked her bank account and found more than $600 worth of unauthorized charges, along with a list of overdraft fees. Around the time Anderson was trying to figure out who was draining her bank account, a different woman's car broke down along Interstate 10 near Lockwood. Again, a wrecker from Unified Auto Works was dispatched as part of the Safe Clear program.

The woman talked with the Troubleshooters but asked to remain anonymous. She told them she also paid Unified with her credit card. And soon after, she also got hit with hundreds of dollars in unauthorized charges.

It's very important to note that these were city-mandated tows. Merely by obeying the law and carrying out their duty as citizens, these woman made themselves vulnerable to thieves acting as agents and contractors of the City of Houston. That would be like showing up to jury duty and having the bailiff slap you in the face, or having a cop shoot out your tire after he pulls you over for speeding. Actually, that would be easier. A tire doesn't cost 600 bucks.

He's feeling slightly rough

Rob, of Night Hawk, wineblogging, and ceramics fame, sustained an owie:

The injury I sustained was that the tendon that attached my heel to my calf has snapped. Yep. Ouch. I go under the knife soon to sew it all back together. Posting will be off for a few days, and then I have no idea what my schedule will be. The recovery time for this injury is a year. I'll be on crutches and in a cast for a long-ass time.

Yikes. According to his Audioblogger post, it might be an outpatient surgery. Let's hope it goes better than this, from an old Weekend Update:

Doctors at the University of Pennsylvania Hospital are hard at work developing a new operation to remove an appendix without anesthesia. The operation is exactly the same as the one with anesthesia, with one key difference - it hurts like a bastard!

Prayers go out to Rob.

Chron blogs multiplying like rabbits

I don't know what's in the water down at 801 Texas Avenue, but the Chron's collection of blogs is rapidly expanding.

Today marks the addition of HelpLine, where Jay Lee answers computer technical support questions, KatySports, with Jeremy Rakes blogging about, well, Katy sports, and InsideKaty, with Helen Eriksen covering our neighbor to the west. These folks will join James Campbell on the Chron, Lance Scott Walker on nightlife, Loren Steffy on business, Sara Cress and Joey Guerra on local music, John Lopez and Richard Justice on sports, Kyrie O'Connor on pop culture, Eric Berger on science, Heather Staible on shopping, Bruce Westbook on movies, and "Evil" Dwight Silverman on technology. Welcome to the blogosphere, y'all! All the Chron needs now is a real estate blog. Nancy, you're killing us out here!

UPDATE: Evil Dwight points out that the two Katy blogs have been up for a couple weeks, featured in a special Katy section of the Chron’s website. Yesterday, they were added to the main blog menu.

"Protection from what? Zee Germans?"

It's been a pretty good month at the office, so I thought I'd take some of my hard-earned cash and roll on down to the local armaments retailer (Carter's Country, in this case) for some constitutionally protected cold steel. I knew I wanted a gun chambered for the .40S&W cartridge, but that's about all I knew. The staff at Carter's Country were helpful and friendly, and they helped me pick this little fella: It's a Smith & Wesson Model SW40VE. It has a black polymer frame (polymer is just like plastic, only with a 1200% markup), a stainless steel slide and a 4-inch barrel. The clips -- two were provided -- hold 14 rounds each, thanks to the expiration of the assault weapons ban. But as Biggie Smalls said:

Don’t fill them clips too high Give them bullets room to breathe

Push the magazine release, and the gun dumps the magazine on the floor as smoothly as can be, just like in the movies. My new manifestation of the Second Amendment was packaged in a handsome blue carry case with foam padding. It also came with a Master gun lock, rendering the gun useless and inoperable to anyone without bolt cutters. The lock was "free," by which I mean "mandated in a gajillion-dollar settlement involving one or more idiots and a battalion of ambulance chasers." After I picked out the gun, I was compelled by an Act of Congress to fill out a form so that Carter's Country could check my background. Apparently, the federales are real sticklers for procedure; in the space for "Country of citizenship," I wrote "United States," stupidly thinking that would be sufficient. The guy handed me back the form and told me to write "of America." Okay. The lady behind the counter called a number, read off my name, date of birth and all that, ran my credit card, and I walked out the door. Here's the weird part: I felt...nervous, somehow. Conspicuous. Like I was doing something wrong. Well that's bullshit. Kiss my ass, Sarah Brady. Fortunately, I has also picked up 100 rounds of Winchester ammunition so I could try out my new piece and get Sarah Brady out of my mind. I headed to American Shooting Centers in George Bush Park and fired off every round I had. It's got a tough, long trigger pull, so the gun was wiggling around far too much while I was firing it. Accordingly, I wasn't a great shot today. I'll have to lubricate the trigger mechanism a little and put a couple hundred more rounds through the gun, to break it in. I'll be working on that in the next few weeks. But hot damn, it was fun.

More from Cindy Sheehan

FrauBudgie over at Red Hot Cuppa Politics has a great round up of Cindy Sheehan quotes. Let's hear Cindy talk about the American system of government:

"We have no Constitution. We’re the only country with no checks and balances..."

Wow. I didn't know that! And here I thought we had presidential veto power, Senate approval of nominees and treaties, and judicial review of legislative actions. Boy, was I wrong. Now a little snippet on how much she supported her son's re-enlistment:

"I told him I would take him to Canada. I told him I would run over him with a car, anything to get him not to go to that immoral war."

Aww, what a sweetheart! It takes a truly loving mother to crush her son beneath the wheels of the family station wagon. There's plenty more from FrauBudgie here and here.

End the Occupation!

For those of you who haven't heard of Protest Warrior, you're really missing out. PW is an organization that infiltrates liberal demonstrations with ridiculously-phrased signs and banners that turn liberalism on its head. Here's my personal favorite:

That's good stuff.

Sheehan dodges taxes, blames Jews

It's official: Cindy Sheehan has gone off the deep end. She's made the jump from grieving mother and legitimate protester to criminal and conspiracy theorist:

"You get America out of Iraq and Israel out of Palestine and you'll stop the terrorism," Sheehan declares.

Yeah, unilateral surrender! That always works. By the way, I'm looking at my globe, and I don't see "Palestine" on it anywhere.

Sheehan, who is asking for a second meeting with President Bush, says defiantly: "My son was killed in 2004. I am not paying my taxes for 2004. You killed my son, George Bush, and I don't owe you a penny...you give my son back and I'll pay my taxes. Come after me (for back taxes) and we'll put this war on trial."

This is just appalling. A citizen has no right to refuse paying taxes because of a policy disagreement. I disagree with many facets of government policy: legalized abortion, terrible immigration control, farm subsidies, and all manner of other things. But I don't get to flout the law. I encourage the IRS to make an example of Cindy Sheehan. Someone needs to take a stand and declare that policy disagreements do not excuse people from performing their duties. Go ahead, try using Sheehan's philosophy and see how far that gets you. Disagree with one policy, then break an unrelated law. Toss back a bottle of scotch and weave through a school zone at 160 mph. Then tell the cop, "Come after me and we'll put this school-finance fiasco on trial." Yeah, that's just brilliant.

Transit alert at yellow, Metro commandos relax

Homeland Security officials have decided to reduce the terror alert level for mass transit systems from orange (Ernie) back to yellow (Bert), effective this evening:

"These changes will be effective at 8:00 p.m. local time on Friday, August 12, following local rush hours across the country, at the discretion of state and local authorities," Homeland Security Secretary Michael Chertoff said in a statement. The department had raised the alert level to a "high" risk of attack from "elevated" on July 7, after bombings on the London transport system killed more than 50 people. "At this time there is no specific, credible intelligence information indicating that an attack in the United States is imminent," Chertoff said.

I guess this means Metro's elite, Israeli-trained, sales tax-funded, counterterrorism commando squad can stand down. Those guys were getting sleepy anyway.

French firefighters free fat fellow

Via Drudge:

A dozen firemen were required to lift a 440-pound man out of his home in a small village in northern France to take him to hospital for emergency treatment, officials said Thursday. The three-hour overnight operation involved the firemen hoisting the hefty patient out of his bedroom on the second storey of a crumbling old house, taking him out the window and lowering him down to a waiting ambulance, fire officers said. They said a special stretcher had to be built in order to carry the man, whose family had requested he be taken to hospital because of psychological problems. As big as the job was, it was not the weightiest emergency French firemen have had to face. In 2003, a crew was called out to get a woman 520-pound from her home to hospital.

Does this mean the average French firefighter can only lift 37 pounds?

Stupid guy injured in act of stupidity

You know that old lyric, "I believe the children are our future?" Let's hope it's not entirely true:

A fan plunged from the upper deck at Yankee Stadium onto the screen behind home plate during Tuesday night's game between New York and the Chicago White Sox and was taken to a hospital. The game was delayed for four minutes in the eighth inning after 18-year-old Scott Harper of Armonk, N.Y., plummeted about 40 feet onto the large net. After the final out, he was carried from the ballpark on a stretcher, his head immobilized in a neck brace, and taken to Lincoln Medical Center, where he was in stable condition at early Wednesday, hospital spokeswoman Jill Brooker said. Harper told three friends he was sitting with that he was going to test whether the net would hold his weight -- and then he jumped, police said.

Then again, if my team were four games back in the wild card, I might jump too. [Hat-tip: Laurence]

Do parents have rights in public schools?

Thanks to LST reader Mike, who points out this Fox News column by Wendy McElroy:

The conflict began on Jan. 17, when Parker's then-5-year-old son brought home a Diversity Bookbag from kindergarten. Included was Robert Skutch's "Who's In a Family?" that depicts families headed by same-sex couples. Parker had wanted to decide for himself the timing and manner in which his son was introduced to the subject of homosexuality. (The Bookbag is supposed to be a voluntary program but the Parkers knew nothing about it in advance.) Parker immediately e-mailed the Estabrook school principal, Joni Jay (search). Parker expressed his belief that gay parents did not constitute "a spiritually healthy family"; he did not wish his son to be taught that a gay family is "a morally equal alternative to other family constructs."

By law, Massachusetts requires schools to notify parents when sexuality is scheduled for discussion. Lexington School Committee chairman Thomas B. Griffiths explained, "We don't view telling a child that there is a family out there with two mommies as teaching about homosexuality." In an e-mail, the Estabrook school principal stated, "I have confirmed … that discussion of differing families, including gay-headed families, is not included in the parental notification policy."

Read the whole thing, and ask questions at your kids' schools.

Bush, Congress team up to fleece U.S. taxpayers

I'm normally a big supporter of President Bush, but this really steamed me up. Today, the president signed a bloated, $286 billion highway bill. Here's how he justified it to workers at a Caterpillar plant in Montgomery, Ill.:

"I'm here to sign the highway bill because I believe by signing this bill, when it's fully implemented, there's going to be more demand for the machines you make here," Bush said, adding that a piece of Caterpillar equipment is used at his ranch. "Because there's more demand for the machines you make here," he said, "there are going to be more jobs created around places like this facility."

AAAAAAHHHHHHHH!!! Would somebody tell this man -- and Congress -- that enormous public-works projects are not the way to grow the economy? Yes, building more roads means Caterpillar will sell more bulldozers and hire more people. We could also dig a gigantic hole and dump tax money into it, increasing shovel sales and boosting America's critical hole-digging sector. Heaven forbid that the taxpayers should keep their own money. They might spend it on foolish things like HDTVs, caffeine-laced beer, private education or charitable giving. One of the most egregious abuses is in Alaska, where ostensibly Republican Congressman Don Young secured $223 million for a bridge. Must be one hell of a useful bridge, right? Wrong. You see, this "bridge to nowhere" will connect Ketchikan, Alaska (population: 8,004) to Gravina Island (population: 50). There's already a reliable ferry service between the two burgs, running every 15 minutes. Basically the only thing on Gravina Island is an airport, with only 6-7 flights a day. $223 million to build a bridge in a tiny speck of a town that's not even connected to the North American road grid. Thanks, Congress. Thanks, Mr. President. UPDATE: The editors of USA Today had the right idea.

Metro to public: Fend for yourselves, plebians!

The lovely and talented Anne Linehan points out that Metro doesn't seem too concerned about public safety. You see, last night some scumbag raped a woman at a Metro bus stop. Here's Metro's response, per Channel 11:

Metro says you can legally carry a gun on a bus if you have a concealed weapons permit for it.

Gee, thanks Metro. While elite counterterrorism light-rail commandos are deployed on empty trains, Park and Ride locations, buses and bus stops have to be guarded by private individuals. Or as Sheila Jackson Lee would put it, dangerous vigilantes.

Miracle drink combines vices in one can

Do you like coffee? Do you like beer? Of course you do. But there's no way to drink both and still keep a hand free for a cigarette or slot machine handle. Until now:

Anheuser-Busch (BUD) on Monday launched "Tilt," a raspberry-flavored malt beverage blending caffeine, guarana and ginseng — and with an alcohol content ranging from 4% to 6.6%, depending on state laws. It's the latest in the beermaker's bid to branch out into the so-called "malternative" market. In January, the company launched B-to-the-E, another drink with roughly the same ingredients. Anheuser-Busch has also in recent years introduced its Bacardi line of flavored malt beverages.

"From happy hour to a night out at a club, contemporary adults are looking for innovative beverages that fit into their fast-paced, highly-social lifestyles," said Pat McGauley, vice president of innovation and new products for Anheuser-Busch. "Tilt was developed with this in mind because it is suited to a variety of drinking occasions."

This is clearly targeted at women, unless "a variety of drinking occasions" means "occasions when you want your buddy to punch you in the stomach." But I guess there's only one way to find out. As soon as I can find this stuff for sale, I'll dip into the LST Petty Cash Fund for some research expenses and get back to you with a review.

A.J. Foyt attacked by swarm of bees

Legendary race car driver A.J. Foyt had a rough weekend:

Foyt spokeswoman Anne Fornoro told The Associated Press that the 70-year-old, four-time Indianapolis 500 winner was driving a bulldozer Saturday, clearing brush, when he apparently stirred up a nest of bees. She said Foyt jumped off the bulldozer and started to run for a nearby stream, but he tripped and the bees swarmed onto him. He was stung dozens of times on the face and upper body before finally scrambling into the water. Fornoro said a man working nearby called 911. Foyt was treated at the scene, but refused a trip to the hospital.

That's one tough hombre. The moral of this story is you should never drive slower than 150 mph.

Border Patrol agent busted as illegal immigrant

A Border Patrol agent has been busted for being an illegal immigrant and smuggling illegal immigrants:

Oscar Antonio Ortiz, a Mexican citizen who was born in Tijuana, allegedly secured his job with the Border Patrol in 2001 by using a fake birth certificate that stated he was born in Chicago. Authorities say the number on his birth certificate corresponds to that of another person who was born one month before him. Ortiz, 28, pleaded not guilty to charges of migrant smuggling and making a false citizenship claim. U.S. Magistrate Judge Anthony Battaglia scheduled a hearing Wednesday to consider bail.

Yikes. I guess the agent used some sophisticated, difficult-to-detect technique to forge his identity. Or maybe not:

T.J. Bonner, who heads a labor union of Border Patrol agents, said the FBI used to perform background checks on prospective employees but turned that work over to the U.S. Office of Personnel Management. "It's a two-minute phone call to verify whether the number (on the birth certificate) matches the name," said Bonner, president of the National Border Patrol Council. "Any rookie who is trained in immigration law could have figured that out."

[Hat-tip: Laurence]

Sheila demands civilians stay out of 'dessert'

Rep. Sheila Jackson Lee (D-Houston) has an established history of saying very stupid things, and she's at it again. Her office issued a press release detailing the Congressidiot's objections to the Border Protection Corps Act. The release, which looks like it was originally written in crayon, warns about the dire situations that could arise if civilians guard the border:

Our dessert could become a battlefield with many innocent casualties.

Oh, the humanity! I can just imagine the hellish nightmare that could result: a creme brulee littered with tattered corpses. A chocolate cake, pockmarked with smoldering craters. Our nation's jelly rolls will run red with blood. And raspberry filling.

Stats lesson: When n is small, everything sucks

I got on Amazon.com today to browse around, and I realized that I've only purchased three things from that website: a Charlie Brown video, a Stereolab album and a Palm expansion card. And the Charlie Brown video was a gift. I realized this because Amazon kept serving me recommendations for tons of Charlie Brown, Stereolab and Palm crap. I guess Amazon's vaunted customer-profiling system either got lazy and unimaginative, or just couldn't figure out what the hell those three things have to do with one another. So in order for Amazon's targeted offers to make any sense to me, I've got to flesh out my wish list. I'll spend a little while adding everything I can think of. Feel free to buy influence. UPDATE: Wow. Once I rated a few pages of stuff, the system got pretty good at identifying preferences. I'm guessing I fit the "college dude" profile, because I'm getting recommendations for lots of National Lampoon movies and books about poker. And a KENNY ROGERS album? What the hell is that about? Other quirks include filing "Coming to America" in the Drama section. Um, okay. Some server in a rack at a massive Amazon server farm somewhere is snickering at me.

Weight Update

Some of y'all know that I've been trying to lose weight for a few weeks now, via the Weight Watchers Points program. It basically assigns a point value to anything you eat, based on a formula that takes into account calories, fiber and fat. I get a certain number of points a day (currently 28), plus 35 weekly "flex points" that can be used anytime in the week. The other daily guidelines in the plan are: six glasses of water, a multivitamin, five servings of fruits or vegetables and three servings of milk. It's basically a well-balanced, low calorie diet. And it's working like a charn. Here are the stats so far. 6/20: 271.6 (Start date) 6/22: 267.0 6/29: 262.2 7/06: 258.6 7/13: 254.6 7/19: 252.4 7/27: 248.6 8/04: 246.8 The total since 6/20 is 24.8 pounds, with another 50 or so to go.

Mayor of Hiroshima wishes city hadn't been nuked

Hypothetical situation: Your grandpa and my grandpa are in a bar, each alone. My grandpa is minding his own business, having a cold one. Your grandpa comes up and kicks him in the nuts. My grandpa falls down, muttering, then he gets up and busts a bottle over your grandpa's head. Sixty years later, you demand a worldwide moratorium on the production of glass. Ridiculous, right? Not if you're the mayor of Hiroshima:

But the mayor acknowledged the task would be uphill, seeing the lack of progress at a UN meeting in May meant to review the main treaty on ending the proliferation of nuclear weapons. "The review conference of the nuclear Non-Proliferation Treaty this past May left no doubt that the US, Russia, the UK, France, China, India, Pakistan, North Korea and a few other nations wishing to become nuclear-weapon states are ignorning the majority voices of the people and governments of the world, thereby jeopardizing human survival," Akiba said. "Based on the dogma, 'Might is right,' these countries have formed their own 'nuclear club,' the admission requirement being the possession of nuclear weapons," the mayor said.

Yeah, okay. Tired of the streets glowing in the dark, Mr. Mayor? Then make sure none of your citizens ever says the following word three times in rapid succession: Tora.

Novak to Carville live on CNN: 'That's bullshit'

Bob Novak -- who is still my choice for the Supreme Court -- got a little steamed up on CNN's Inside Politics this afternoon and said a naughty word.

Novak and his counterpart James Carville were discussing Katherine Harris' chances at a Senate seat, when Carville took a cheap shot. Yeah, big shocker there. Here's the exchange, as best as I can transcribe it:

Novak: A couple of points here. First place, don't be too sure she's gonna lose. Uh, all the establishment's against her. I've seen these [stammers] Republican anti-establishment candidates do pretty well. Ronald Reagan -- I guarantee the establishment wasn't for him. We just elected a senator from Oklahoma, Senator Tom Coburn, everybody in the establishment was against him. She might get elected. Carville [interrupting]: I -- I tell you this Bob Novak: Let me, let me, just let me finish what I'm gonna say, James, please. I know you, you hate to hear me, but you have to... Carville [interrupting]: He's gotta show these right-wingers that he's got backbone. You know, the Wall Street Journal editorial page is watching you; show 'em you're tough. [Carville laughs] Novak: I think that's bullshit and I hate, I hate that. Just let it go. [Carville keeps laughing.] Host Ed Henry: Okay. James, what do you think though seriously about this Senate race...[Novak stands up, walks off set.]

Here's the video. I am, of course, appalled that CNN would allow such crass vulgarity on its broadcast, and I demand that the FCC slap the network with an unprecedentedly enormous fine. And please, get rid of Carville. The guy is a rude, ugly, baldheaded caricature jackass who wears sunglasses indoors and orders nutria boudin at the Capital Grille.

Shop Girl points out new concept store

The Chron's shopping blogger has discovered a fascinating new development:

Finally! Houston shoppers get a concept store.

Excellent. I encourage the Chronicle's editorial staff to get down there and buy a concept. I suggest the concept of impartial journalism.

Supporting the troops, Chron style

The Chronicle is fulfilling its newfound duty to support the troops by printing the following disgusting op-ed piece, lifted from last week's Los Angeles Times:

Few people have noticed that suicide bombing is merely a tactic used by those who lack other means of delivering explosives. Fewer still seem to notice that what happened in London is what occurs every time a U.S. or British warplane unloads its bombs on an Iraqi village. But, you may say, our forces don't deliberately target civilians. Perhaps not. But they have consistently shown themselves to be indifferent to the civilian casualties produced by their operations.

Because "our" way of killing is dressed up in smart uniforms and shiny weapons and cloaked in the language of grand causes, we place it on a different moral plane than "theirs." I read an article about a Marine sniper who was given a medal at a California ceremony for having shot dead 32 Iraqis during the battle for Fallujah last year -- young men who were defending their city from an invading army. A nod to their deaths was made by the sniper and a chaplain, but these are the sentiments that struck me: "He didn't kill 32 people," said a sergeant major. "He saved numerous lives. ... That's how Marines look at it." And his mother said, "It's difficult. You send off your little boy and he comes back a man who has protected everyone." Clearly, "our" lives are all that matter and "their" lives don't count.

By the way, subscriptions to the Chronicle are now half-price. Any takers?

Chron to Houston: 'Support Our Troops'

I'm so mad I could spit. The editors of the Chronicle have decided to lecture Houstonians on how to treat our soldiers:

It's not enough to visit a grave site on Memorial Day or put a sticker on your car. Supporting our troops and their families requires effort and commitment. Troops serving in Iraq want to hear they are appreciated. Like their predecessors in the nation's wars, they like getting letters and treats and other reminders of home.

Really? They like getting treats? Who could've possibly guessed that? I just assumed they were Bushitler's bloodthirsty oil mercenaries, eager to leave their families behind for a shot at a year-long tour of civilian-murdering and Koran-pissing.

Two and a half years into the war, and the Chron is just noticing that soldiers need our support? Get with the program, fellas. We've been supporting them all along, with everything from visits to armor to tampons. I wonder if the editors have been writing letters to State Rep. Rick Noriega. Probably not, since they have the wrong address.

Chron defends NASA editorial with another one

Sigh. Last week, the Chron editorial board called the launch of space shuttle Discovery "nearly flawless," even after the Chron's news pages noted the debris that fell from the craft and its resulting damage. Today, the editors repeat the patently untrue claim that the launch was initially seen as perfect:

The celebration of a seemingly flawless launch faded with photographs of dangerous foam debris spinning off the craft's external fuel tank and the subsequent announcement of a freeze on future flights.

No one thought the launch went perfectly. As NASA operations manager John Shannon said on the day of the launch:

We're going frame-by-frame through the imagery," Shannon said. "I fully expected we would see things that we hadn't seen in the past."

I also thought this line from the Chron editorial was pretty funny:

Likewise, in the design of a new launch system, [NASA Administrator Michael Griffin] indicates that never again will NASA put crew members in a hazardous position below foam-crusted fuel tanks.

Gosh, where could NASA engineers find such an innovative design? Ooh, I know! They could just look out the window at the 30-year-old Saturn V rocket that's parked at the Johnson Space Center.

Guard fighters leave Ellington Field for Iraq

A few weeks ago, our beloved hometown rag said the Texas Air National Guard's F-16 fighter jets at Ellington Field are all but useless in the War on Terror:

However, the F-16 fighters of the Texas Air National Guard stationed at Ellington Field would seem to have limited utility in deterring or attacking today's terrorists.

Shockingly, the Pentagon disagrees with the Chronicle's editorial board. You see, the 147th Fighter Wing is on its way to Iraq for some good old-fashioned bad-guy killin':

Ellington Field was the scene of tears, hugs and American flags Tuesday night as several hundred personnel from the 147th Fighter Wing of the Texas Air National Guard shipped out for Iraq. The mission, at a time when the Pentagon is considering retiring all of the wing's F-16s, is to provide air support for ground troops. Personnel and pilots are expected to remain in Iraq until the early fall.

Also, for some odd reason, this story is filed in the Chron's sports directory.

Crappy Mariners pitcher busted for steroids

Like my mama always said: cheaters never prosper.

Seattle Mariners pitcher Ryan Franklin has received a 10-day suspension under the terms of Major League Baseball's steroids policy. A day after baseball announced that Baltimore first baseman Rafael Palmeiro had failed his test, Franklin became the eighth player to receive a suspension under MLB's more stringent drug policy, which took effect in March. The commissioner's office announced the suspension Tuesday afternoon. A representative from Franklin-Frye-McCann agency, which represents Franklin, said the pitcher would talk to the media after 2 p.m. ET in Detroit. Franklin, 32, has a career record of 33-46 with a 4.19 ERA in six major-league seasons, all with Seattle. He is 6-11 with a 4.61 ERA in 22 games this season, including 20 starts.

How about that. The guy's been shooting juice and he still can't manage to throw more than two winning seasons in six. Despite using the allegedly performance-enhancing substances, this meathead (whose salary is $2.7 million) is 2-and-5 at home. Think this will keep him out of the Hall of Fame? And so, Ryan Franklin, allow me to issue the following heartfelt statement: you suck.

More steroid busts in big leagues?

Word around the campfire is two more Major League ballplayers will be suspended tomorrow under the league's steroid policy. 750:1 odds that Tim Redding isn't among them.

Fahd bin Abdul Aziz Al-Saud, 1923-2005

Boo-friggin-hoo:

Reports from Saudi Arabia say that King Fahd has died. The reports quote hospital officials and sources close to the royal family, and Saudi TV interrupted regular programmes with Koran readings.

With the death of its leader, I guess the House of Saud will have no choice but to embrace democratic reforms, tone down the Wahhabi rhetoric, stop funding Palestinian terrorists, and push the literacy rate above 80%. Riiiiiiight.