Update: Joke Contest prompts flood of entries

The customers have come through in fine form for the Mattsapundit Lawyer Joke Contest. Vincent Pantano has two dealing with lawyer castaways:

An attorney was amongst a group of survivors stranded on a desert island in shark infested waters. After weeks of eating coconuts the group was barely alive when one of them spied what appeared to be a rowboat drifting past the island. The group called a hasty meeting to decide the best plan to get to the boat. Before anything was decided, though, the attorney dove into the surf and swam through the packs of sharks to the boat. After several minutes the attorney returned to the island with the boat. He was greeted with cheers and acknowledgements of his obvious bravery. When asked how he knew the sharks would not attack him, he smiled and replied, "Professional courtesy.."

Q: What do you call a boatload of lawyers, lost at sea? A: A good start.

Buddy Smith stays in the nautical vein, adding:

Q: What's the difference between a lawyer and a catfish? A: One is a bottom dwelling scum sucker, the other is a fish.

Gregg Gotlieb chimes in:

A wealthy lawyer was riding in his limousine when he saw two men along the roadside eating grass. Disturbed, he ordered his driver to stop and he got out to investigate. He asked one man, "Why are you eating grass?" "We don't have any money for food," the poor man replied. "We have to eat grass." "Well then, you can come with me to my house and I'll feed you," the lawyer said. "But sir, I have a wife and two children with me. They are over there, under that tree." "Bring them along," the lawyer replied. Turning to the other poor man he stated, "You come with us also." The second man, in a pitiful voice then said, "But sir, I also have a wife and SIX children with me!" "Bring them all, as well," the lawyer answered. They all entered the car, which was no easy task, even for a car as large as the limousine. Once underway, one of the poor fellows turned to the lawyer and said, "Sir, you are too kind. Thank you for taking all of us with you." The lawyer replied, "Glad to do it. You'll really love my place; the grass is almost a foot high!"

Gene Stansbery has another one dealing with high-occupancy vehicles:

Q: What's worse than a bus full of lawyers driving off a cliff? A: A bus full of lawyers with an empty seat driving off a cliff.

Maggie tosses her hat in the ring:

A lawyer is visited one night by an angel warning him of his soon-to-be demise. The lawyer, who has worked so diligently all his life, argues that he should be allowed to bring some of his (ill-gotten) gains with him. The angel sighs and tells him he may bring one - and only one - suitcase with him. The next morning, the lawyer tells his wife what has happened and goes immediately to the bank to withdraw as much money as he can fit into one suitcase - a sizeable sum. He then puts the suitcase in the attic so he can grab it "on the way". Sure enough, he soon dies in an automobile accident. After fighting off the lawyers who want to take her side in a wrongful death suit, she goes to the attic to retrieve some boxes in which to pack her husband's things. She sees the suitcase and, slapping herself on the forehead, exclaims, "I should have reminded him to put it in the BASEMENT!"

Another one from Buddy:

A dying man gathered his Lawyer, Doctor and Clergyman at his bedside and handed each of them an envelope containing $50,000 in cash. He made them each promise that after his death and during his repose, they would place the three envelopes in his coffin. He told them that he wanted to have enough money to enjoy the next life. A week later, the man died. At the Wake, the Lawyer and Doctor and Clergyman, each concealed an envelope in the coffin and bid their old client and friend farewell. By chance, these three met several months later. Soon the Clergyman, feeling guilty, blurted out a confession saying that there was only $10,000 in the envelop he placed in the coffin. He felt, rather than waste all the money, he would send it to a Mission in South America. He asked for their forgiveness. The Doctor, moved by the gentle Clergymans sincerity, confessed that he too had kept some of the money for a worthy medical charity. The envelope, he admitted, had only $15000 in it. He said, he too could not bring himself to waste the money so frivolously when it could be used to benefit others. By this time the Lawyer was seething with self-righteous outrage. He expressed his deep disappointment in the felonious behavior of two of his oldest and most trusted friends. I am the only one who kept his promise to our dying friend. I want you both to know that the envelope I placed in the coffin contained the full amount. Indeed, my envelope contained my personal check for the entire $50,000.

LST contributor and grammarian extraordinaire Celia Mabry, who is not eligible for this contest, pitches in:

Q: What is the difference between a federal judge and God? A: God does not believe He is a federal judge.

Wade Davis takes the lead with this gem:

Q: What's black and brown and looks good on a lawyer? A: A Doberman.

John's got a few:

A dog ran into a butcher shop and grabbed a roast off the counter. Fortunately, the butcher recognized the dog as belonging to a neighbor of his. The neighbor happened to be a lawyer. Incensed at the theft, the butcher called up his neighbor and said, "Hey, if your dog stole a roast from my butcher shop, would you be liable for the cost of the meat?" The lawyer replied, "Of course, how much was the roast?" "$7.98." A few days later the butcher received a check in the mail for $7.98. Attached to it was an invoice that read: Legal Consultation Service: $150.

The day after a verdict had been entered against his client, the lawyer rushed to the judge's chambers, demanding that the case be reopened, saying: "I have new evidence that makes a huge difference in my client's defense." The judge asked, "What new evidence could you have?" The lawyer replied, "My client has an extra $10,000, and I just found out about it!"

Q: What's the difference between a lawyer and a terrorist? A: You can negotiate with a terrorist.

Editor's note: Lone Star Times does not condone negotiating with terrorists. Or lawyers.

Q: How many lawyer jokes are there? A: Just two, all the rest are true.

Indiana University law student and dear friend Mary submits this one:

A lawyer is working on a tough case and, in a fit of frustration, comments that she'd sell her soul to the devil for a win. The devil appears in a poof of smoke and offers her success in the case and all the money she can handle, but in exchange she has to give the devil the souls of her husband and her two infant children. The lawyer considers for a minute, then asks the devil, "What's the catch?"

Buddy, Gregg and Kevin submitted some other very funny ones. Unfortunately, decorum prohibits reprinting them here, as this is a family website. Email me.

So far the entries have been numerous, funny, and to a large extent, vulgar. Dan's right when he says y'all are the best audience in the world. Keep 'em coming! Update: I've heard from an actual lawyer. A law professor, no less! Prof. Dru Stevenson writes on his blog:

I kind of enjoy lawyer jokes, but the media tried to make it sound like this was a case of egregious overlawyering. Notice at the end of the article that these guys complain they've been standing outside Long Island courthouses mocking lawyers "for years" without being arrested. Duh. You didn't expect one of those evil, assertive lawyers to get sick of it and complain at some point? As a practitioner, I didn't enjoy standing in line outside the courthouse in the freezing New England weather any more than the rest of the people - actually probably less, because most people appearing on charges seemed to bring friends and family with them to keep them company. These protestors really must not have enough to do! Get a job or something! If somebody finally decided he'd had enough, how was he supposed to know these guys were there that day for an actual criminal charge, instead of just standing near the line heckling the poor attorneys like usual? Sheesh. And thanks a lot for your loathsome drunk driving - lucky you didn't kill a nice family in a minivan or something. I know there are lots of lawyers who really deserve all those lawyer jokes, but we seem to have a shortage of ways to mock, scorn, abuse, and ridicule drunk drivers. (I know, they're just not funny, but are most lawyers that funny?) The two jerks (in my book) with too much time on their hands are pictured below...

He's got a good point. That said, how do you save a lawyer from drowning? Take your foot off his face. Another update: The hits just keep on coming! Dell chides me for being mean:

Matt: It's not really nice to demean an entire profession for just two or three hundred thousand bad apples.

As Glenn Reynolds would say: Heh. (And he's a lawyer!) We're not done yet, folks. Brian Reichardt assures me that this is the "Best Lawyer Joke Ever:"

A guy browsing through an antique store comes across a golden rat. Intrigued, he decides to buy it. As he's paying the shop owner for the rat, the shop owner asks, "Do you want the instructions?" The man replies, "It's a golden rat. What do I need instructions for?" The shop keeper answers, "You'll see." And the man goes on his way. Getting into his car, the man puts the rat on the seat next to him and drives away. After he has driven for a couple of blocks he looks into his rear view mirror and sees thousands of rats running down the street following the car. Rats are streaming out of back alleys and dumpsters as he passes. Suddenly the man has an idea. He drives to the nearest bridge, pulls his car over and throws the golden rat into the river. All the rats follow the golden rat over the side into the river and drown. The man jumps back into his car and speeds back to the antique shop. When he walks back inside the owner smiles and says, "I see you came back for the instructions." "No," the man replies, "I came back to see if you had a golden lawyer."

Eighteen emails? Is that the best you folks can do? Come on! I want some lawyer jokes! Bill comes through with a good one:

There was an argument between God and the Devil; they were fighting over the fence between Heaven and Hell. God wanted it to be at this line and the devil wanted it at that line. After years of going back and forth the devil asked to just let the lawyers settle it. The next day the devil noticed that the fence was right were he wanted it all along. He asked God, "How could you change your mind so quickly?" God said, "What choice did I have? You've got all the lawyers!"

Lynn Johnson wants to know if the contest is still going on. Boy, is it ever. She sends these two:

Q: What's the difference between a dead snake in the middle of the road and a dead lawyer in the middle of the road? A: Skid marks before the snake.

An ambitious young man finished college, made it through law school, passed the bar, and secured a position with a very successful law firm. He made a lot of money for himself and his firm, and was on the fast track to success and riches. But on the day he was to be made a partner in the firm, he died of natural causes. At the pearly gates he rushed up to St. Peter in a panic. "There has got to be some mistake. I'm young, healthy, and was just now hitting his stride. It's not fair that I should die just at the moment I am reaching my peak and beginning to reap the benefits of my work." St. Peter assured him mistakes were rare, but he would check the books. After a quick look, St. Peter explained "There is no mistake and a man your age should not be surprised to find himself standing where he is now." "But I'm only 28." cried the lawyer. "Oh?" said Saint Peter, "According to your billed hours, you're 104."

Jaime Purcell takes a different tack, plugging the book Anguished English: An Anthology of Accidental Assaults Upon Our Language by Richard Lederer. Some highlights from court transcripts:

Q: Do you know how far pregnant you are right now? A: I will be three months November 8th. Q: Apparently then, the date of conception was August 8th? A: Yes. Q: What were you and your husband doing at that time?

Q: "Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?" A: "No." Q: "Did you check for blood pressure?" A: "No." Q: "Did you check for breathing?" A: "No." Q: "So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?" A: "No." Q: "How can you be so sure, Doctor?" A: "Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar." Q: "But could the patient have still been alive nevertheless?" A: "It is possible that he could have been alive and practising law somewhere."

Still Another Update: We got another batch of 'em in. Tobin Englet writes:

A lawyer bought a new Mercedes. On the way home another car sideswiped him and took the drivers side door off. The Police officer on the scene rushed over to the attorney, who was screaming about his missing door, and said, "Sir are you aware your arm has been cut off in the accident?" The attorney started screaming, "Oh no, not my new Rolex too!"

Rich Goeggel discusses legal ethics:

An elderly woman visited a lawyer to write a will. Upon completing the task, the lawyer presented her with a bill for $100 which she paid in cash and left. After she left, the lawyer discovered that she had actually given him two $100 bills, stuck together. Thus he faced an ethical dilemma... Should he tell his partner?

Samuel Crumpton, who works for a Houston law firm, fired off these two:

Q: What do you call an attorney with an I.Q. of 70? A: Your Honor.

A police officer was testifying in a case, and the prosecuting attorney asked him, "Do you trust your fellow officers?" to which the police officer answered, "Yes. I trust them with my life." The Prosecutor said, "Trust them with your life, do you? Admirable. Do you have a locker where you keep your personal things when you come to work?" To which the officer replied, "Yes." The prosecutor asked, "Do you have a lock on that locker?" The officer answered, "Yes." The prosecutor then gloated, "So you trust your fellow officers with your life, but not your personal effects? Is that it? Why is it again that you have a lock on your locker in the police locker room?" The intrepid young officer answered, "Sir, the police locker room is in the bottom floor of this courthouse and occasionally lawyers pass through."

Omigosh It's Another Update:John Lane offers this one:

Q: How did we get copper wire? A: Two lawyers fighting over a penny.

Butch Key (who has the coolest name ever) is up next:

Q: What do lawyers and sperm have in common? A: Only one in a million ever does something worthwhile.

Q: How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb? A: Three. One to screw the light bulb, one to shake the ladder and one to sue the ladder company.

Did you hear about the lawyer who got hurt in an accident? The ambulance stopped suddenly.

Gregg Gotlieb is back:

A man returning home a day early from a business trip got into a taxi at the airport. It was after midnight. While en route to his home, he called his lawyer. The man suspected his wife was having an affair and he intended to catch her in the act and wanted to know what he could do legally. Quietly arriving at the house, the husband tiptoed into the bedroom. The husband switched on the lights, yanked the blanket back and there was his wife in bed with another man. The husband put a gun to the naked man's head. The wife shouted, "Don't do it! This man has been very generous! I lied when I told you I inherited money. He paid for the Corvette I bought for you. He paid for our new cabin cruiser. He paid for our house at the lake. He paid for our country club membership, and he even pays the monthly dues!" Shaking his head from side-to-side the husband slowly lowered the gun. He called his lawyer and told him the story and asked, "What should I do now?" The lawyer said, "I'd cover him up with that blanket before he catches a cold."

Now we have John Dunn:

Q: What do you have with a lawyer buried up to his neck in sand? A: Not enough sand.

Deadline for final submissions is midnight tonight. Y'all are wearing me out!