Mayor's 'State of the City' address, translated

As a public service to the residents of this world class city, I'd like to offer Bill White's "State of the City" address, translated into plain English:

In 2005 the business development plan for our region should be fully funded, following the recommendation of my task force on regional economic development. We need more targeted recruitment of likely corporate relocations, and better coordination of economic development activities within the region.

Translation: "The Greater Houston Partnership is going to come up with all kinds of goofy ideas, like shipping our money to Libya."

You know we just can't build ourselves out of gridlock, so we must manage traffic better.

Translation: "If you get a flat tire, we will take your car."

First, with help from METRO and the GHP we will convene a meeting of the region's major employers for a Summit on Flexible Work Schedules. We can never build our way out of traffic jams if too many of us are trying to get to the same place at the same time.

Translation: "You should be at work in the middle of the night."

Second, I urge all citizens to support METRO's voter-approved plans, as well as the goal announced a year ago by Judge Eckels for a regional program to build commuter rail. We encourage our members of Congress to fight for our region's fair share of new start dollars for transit.

Translation: "Repent, car-driving sinners! Bow at the altar of light rail and be cleansed in it's homeless-guy stink!"

We put City Hall on a business-like basis, by enacting a budget committed to fiscal discipline...

Translation: "I tried to drop $2 million on a black heritage museum before everyone called me on it."

And I will need your help and that of state officials in establishing sources of dedicated revenue to help us maintain our Fire and EMS services at the highest levels in the nation.

Translation: "I want more money for city government, and I will guilt-trip and mislead you into cooperating, just like I did with Prop 1. You don't want firemen and their cute Dalmatians to be slowly roasted alive, do you?"

The day after last year's State of the City address we announced the appointment of a new police chief, Harold Hurtt. We need to support Chief Hurtt and our HPD...

Translation: "We'll get Chief Hurtt into a uniform any day now, just as soon as he qualifies to be a traffic cop. Oh, and maybe we'll have a working DNA lab, too. But probably not."

You can help our City and yourself by sending out word today, by email, for folks to sign up for two events raising money for Houston Parks: the Bayou City Fun Run on March 12th and our first Tour de Houston Bike Ride on March 19th.

Translation: "I can actually say 'Tour de Houston' with a straight face."

Better maintenance of our existing parks, more bike trails, and work by an energized Parks Board and private donors in setting aside open space for Houston's families in the future. That includes 13 acres right outside this Convention Center.

Translation: "Get ready for a guilt trip on parks, too. Or do you want Houston's children to grow up in hellish squalor, filled with concrete and dioxin?"

The creation of a Neighborhood Protection Corps, assisting civic clubs trying to maintain and protect our community.

Translation: "We're giving out all kinds of money."

Stronger support for arts and cultural organizations, which enrich us so greatly.

Translation: "Tons of money."

Third, I am asking the City Attorney, along with those working with my colleagues at the County and other local governments in the region, to help us bring legal action if plants have no realistic plans to reduce emissions of air toxics to levels found acceptable by objective public health standards.

Translation: "The Chronicle's editorial board doubles as my speechwriting staff."

Houston's a friendly, generous city...

Translation: "And I'll find out just how generous."

I believe Houston can also be that type of city on a hill. No, I'm not proposing to literally raise the elevation of our City, though that's not a bad idea for flood control.

Translation: "Please nominate me for the Worst Joke of the Decade Award."

Ask yourself if you have done everything you can to be part of the group of people who sacrifice their time, talents, and treasure to take this City up that hill.

Translation: "I promise that every Houstonian will have the opportunity to sacrifice more treasure."