Study reveals U.S. students are Commie idiots

A recent poll shows that a large proportion of high school students want government control of the press:

Apparently the First Amendment ought to be made required reading in U.S. high schools. A new survey of 112,003 students released today finds that one in three say the press ought to be more restricted -- and 36% think newspapers should get "government approval" before stories are published.

This is troubling, but not quite surprising. This is an age when so many kids take a government bus to a government school, where they receive their federally-subsidized breakfast, lunch, condoms, and faulty "education." With so much of their lives run by the government, is it any wonder they immediately look to government to rule the marketplace of ideas, too?

Mattsapundit finds secret NK instant messages

The Mattsapundit Cryptology Deparment, hidden in a bunker deep beneath the Astrodome, has been working day and night for months. Million-dollar supercomputers and Caltech math whizzes have been cracking algorithms, and we've finally done it. We've deciphered Kim Jong Il's instant message conversations, including banter with President George W. Bush, Vice President Dick Cheney, Sen. John Kerry (D-Mass.), Saddam Hussein, and more! Here's a peek, back when Kim thought Sen. Kerry won the presidency:

License2KimJongill:	Congratulations!
License2KimJongill:	I knew you would win!
License2KimJongill:	535 electoral votes, wow
JFKpart2:	Yes, it was quite a victory
License2KimJongill:	So how many electoral votes did Bush get?
JFKpart2:	About...three
License2KimJongill:	Wow
License2KimJongill:	That's only three more than I got, and I didn't even run
License2KimJongill:	That means I, Kim Jong Il, almost tied President Bush in the American election! My subjects will be most pleased.

[Hat-tip: Mary]

Hillary Clinton collapses during speech in NY

Quick, somebody get this woman some socialized medical care:

Sen. Hillary Rodham Clinton collapsed Monday during a speech on Social Security, a radio station reported. Colleen DiPirro, president of the Amherst Chamber of Commerce, told WBEN-AM radio that Clinton told the crowd she was feeling weak and had had a stomach virus. Clinton started to speak then collapsed, DiPirro told the radio station. Clinton, 57, was treated by an emergency crew at the scene and declined to be taken to a hospital, the radio station said.

It could not immediately be confirmed if the collapse was due to a bolt from a righteous God.

Dean continues descent into madness

Howard Dean's shellacking in the primaries really screwed him up:

"I hate the Republicans and everything they stand for, but I admire their discipline and their organization," the failed presidential hopeful told the crowd at the Roosevelt Hotel, where he and six other candidates spoke at the final DNC forum before the Feb. 12 vote for chairman.

Shoot, at least he's honest. Wait, no he's not:

We can talk about our faith, but we cannot change our faith," he said, echoing themes he sounded in his presidential bid. "We need to be people of conviction."

This conviction comes from a man who changed religions because his church wouldn't let the city build a bike path on their property.

CBS suddenly develops sense of propriety

As we reported over a week ago, the CBS executives asked to resign are still in the employ of that news organization, and they're considering suing CBS. And the response from the Black Eye Network?

A spokesman said, "CBS refuses to comment on speculation."

LST reader Bill Foss put it best:

I guess CBS only refuses to comment on speculation unless they can run it as a news story slamming the president during an election campaign.

Heh.

Christians work against N. Korean oppression

During the Cold War, millions of American Catholics prayed for the conversion of Russia. Now, Christians are turning their attention to another Godless, communist nation:

Word has spread like wildfire of the Christian underground that helps fugitives to reach South Korea. People who lived in silent fear now dare to speak about escape. The regime has almost given up trying to stop them going, although it can savagely punish those caught and sent back. “Everybody knows there is a way out,” said a woman, who for obvious reasons cannot be identified but who spoke in front of several witnesses.

The regime is fighting to save itself from subversion. Its agents kidnapped Kim Dong-shik, a South Korean missionary, from the turbulent Chinese border town of Yanji in 2000. Last week the South Koreans demanded a new investigation: the clergyman has never been seen again. The secret police cannot staunch the word of the gospel. Two of our party turned out to be Christian businessmen who had come from China carrying wads of cash. Korean-language Bibles have been smuggled in by the hundreds.

Recently, we've seen an attempt on Kim Jong Il's life, power struggles within the North Korean regime, and more publicity about the dictator's personal excesses even as his people starve to death. One day, the residents of that impoverished "workers' paradise" will be free to worship a free land. Let us pray that day comes soon.

Chron publishes 'defense of Saddam Hussein'

It's been a while since I've publicly called anyone a worthless, low-down scumbag. I've been saving those words for Ramsey Clark:

So let me explain why defending Saddam Hussein is in line with what I've stood for all my life and why I think it's the right thing to do now.

Here's a hint: It's because Clark is a devoted anti-Bush nut with a completely whacked sense of justice. (He wants to free Saddam and put President Bush on trial.)

Both international law and the Constitution of the United States guarantee the right to effective legal representation to any person accused of a crime. This is especially important in a highly politicized situation, where truth and justice can become even harder to achieve. That's certainly the situation today in Iraq. The war has caused the deaths of tens of thousands of Iraqis and the widespread destruction of civilian properties essential to life. President Bush, who initiated and oversees the war, has manifested his hatred for Saddam, publicly proclaiming that the death penalty would be appropriate. The United States, and the Bush administration in particular, engineered the demonization of Saddam, and it has a clear political interest in his conviction.

We didn't have to demonize Saddam Hussein. He already was a demon. Ramsey Clark is going to stall and obfuscate just like Slobodan Milosevic, in an attempt to free one of history's most evil men. And then, when it's all said and done, the Iraqi people will try Saddam, find him guilty, and hang him high. Despite Clark's shameless efforts, justice will be done.

Update: Qatari puts Al-Jazeera on auction block

For sale: One Islamofascist propaganda machine. Serious inquiries only.

The pressure has been so intense, a senior Qatari official said, that the government is accelerating plans to put Al Jazeera on the market, though Bush administration officials counter that a privately owned station in the region may be no better from their point of view. "We have recently added new members to the Al Jazeera editorial board, and one of their tasks is to explore the best way to sell it," said the Qatari official, who said he could be more candid about the situation if he was not identified. "We really have a headache, not just from the United States but from advertisers and from other countries as well." Asked if the sale might dilute Al Jazeera's content, the official said, "I hope not."

The official then ran off to dig up some more Osama Bin Laden tapes to beam around the Arab world. Update: JihadTV just might be a good investment. The Arab satellite channel is right up there with Starbucks in brand impact. Great.

[Update hat-tip: Little Green Footballs]

British playwright rips Texas as 'Third World'

Nearly every time I read the Houston Press, I come across something that makes steam shoot out of my ears. This time was no different:

Award-winning British playwright Kay Adshead has a new production on London's equivalent of Broadway that features, among other locales, a postapocalyptic Houston. Before the premiere, she wrote a piece for The Guardian about her three years in a Midtown condo here, saying, "More than once we have traveled on the bus as virtually the only non-amputees on board." Also, oddly enough, "Sexual tension buzzes around Houston with the mosquitoes."

Houston "was not at all what I was expecting...I was expecting a kind of city or state on the cutting edge of technology. I was imagining great prosperity," she says. "And I found Texas a kind of Third World country, really."

This is a town that routinely dispatches men into outer space, and it's where the finest doctors cure the uncurable. It's home to massively successful businesses -- from energy to airlines to computers, but it's still a town where people can live big on the cheap. I guess that's Third World Class.

Archbishop consecrates site for new cathedral

The construction of a new cathedral is long overdue for Houston's Catholics:

Despite overcast skies and chilling winds, more than 1,200 Roman Catholic clergy and laity turned out Sunday to celebrate a ground blessing for a new $32 million cathedral for the Archdiocese of Galveston-Houston. The event was celebrated with choirs, a brass ensemble and a colorful procession of robed clergy, altar servers and teens carrying banners. Work is scheduled to begin immediately on the 1,820-seat cathedral, with completion in 28 months. "I am so grateful that so many of you are here to ask God, with me, to place his particular blessing upon this square block upon which will be built the Co-Cathedral of the Sacred Heart," Archbishop Joseph A. Fiorenza said.

A brand-new cathedral for a brand-new archdiocese. Sounds good to me!

Study, experience show need for CPR training

A study by the University of Chicago revealed that even under hospital conditions, CPR is often done improperly:

In the 19 January 2005 issue of JAMA, the researchers show that, even in the hospital setting, chest compressions during CPR are often too slow, too shallow and too frequently interrupted, and ventilation rates are usually too high. A second study assessing out-of-hospital CPR by paramedics and nurse anesthetists in three European cities found even greater deviation from the guidelines, suggesting that the problem is endemic. "CPR has been around for 50 years but until now we haven't had a precise, reliable way to assess how well it's being done," said study author Lance Becker, M.D., professor of emergency medicine and director of the Emergency Resuscitation Research Center at the University of Chicago. "Now we find that it's not being done very well."

I saw this study last week, but it didn't hit home until this weekend. While in a Chicago train station, I saw a middle-aged man collapse into an unconscious heap, breathing slowly and laboriously. His pulse was weak, but it was there. All my old Boy Scout training rushed back to me, and I went to work on this poor guy. A young lady next to me was about to begin CPR -- an act which wouldn't have helped, and might have killed him. There wasn't much I could do but take charge and keep his airway open until the paramedics arrived. But sometimes the most important thing is knowing what not to do. Call the local chapter of the American Red Cross (713-526-8300) and get trained. I don't know what happened to that man on the floor of the Randolph Street Station, but I know it could've gone much worse.

Sore loser Kerry slams Iraq elections

Iraqis poured into polling places by the millions for the first free elections in decades. Turnout was over 60%, higher than in the recent U.S. presidential election. That's good, right? Not if you're John Kerry:

"It is significant that there is a vote in Iraq, but no one in the United States or in the world — and I'm confident of what the world response will be — no one in the United States should try to overhype this election," Mr. Kerry said. The Massachusetts senator also cast doubt on the legitimacy of the election because of low turnout, especially among Sunnis, who are a minority but were in power under the Saddam Hussein regime. Sunni leaders called for a boycott of the election. "It's hard to say that something is legitimate when a whole portion of the country can't vote and doesn't vote," Mr. Kerry said.

Any shred of class that Sen. Kerry once had is completely gone. If he can't win in a democratic system, he doesn't even want democracy to exist.

By the way, the last time Kerry was re-elected Senator, turnout was under 40%. Was that legitimate?

SBC set to acquire AT&T in $15 billion deal

Ma Bell is history:

Under the terms of the deal announced by the two companies early Monday, AT&T shareholders will receive SBC shares valued at about $15 billion, as well as another $1 billion in the form of a special dividend. SBC Chairman and Chief Executive Edward Whitacre Jr. would remain in his current position, while AT&T Chief Executive David Dorman would become president. AT&T would get three seats on the new company's board, including one for Dorman.

The deal has San Antonio-based SBC, one of the Baby Bells, buying AT&T, the original Mal Bell that was splintered into seven regional telephone companies and a large long-distance company by a landmark 1984 antitrust ruling. The deal likely will face heavy regulatory scrutiny.

That last line is the understatement of the year. This deal will send the Ralph Nader types into a tizzy with accusations that the new SBC will be an unstoppable, monopolistic juggernaut. But the days of "the phone company" -- a monopoly able to excessively control the communications business -- are over. This is a cutthroat business where price is king and features are largely irrelevant. You can get a dial tone, caller ID and voice mail with you-can-hear-a-pin-drop clarity anywhere. Emerging technologies will transmit more and more phone calls over the Internet, cutting costs further. It'll be a tough road for communications companies, but as usual, competition will lead to innovation and lower prices for consumers.

Chron editorial laments free-market system

In a completely unsurprising move, the Chronicle's editors have come out in favor of Mayor Bill White's plan to turn urban blight into government-subsidized urban blight. What is surprising is the editors' willingness to cavalierly toss the free market out the window of City Hall:

In order to avoid competition, the city also will seek legislation to allow the creation of a Houston land bank, like one already authorized in Dallas. That would give the city first right to purchase foreclosed property rather than having to bid at open auction. With reasonable restrictions in place to avoid completely locking out free-market competition, this proposal could ensure that blighted properties are put to use for affordable housing instead of simply being snapped up by speculators.

Oh yeah, gotta watch out for those eeeevil speculators! Left unchecked, they'll do unspeakable things like establishing the Bayou City.

Mayor White has already devoted long hours of discussion and negotiation to launch this effort to revitalize inner city neighborhoods without displacing their residents. He deserves the cooperation of the local judiciary, taxing jurisdictions and state lawmakers to swiftly make it a reality.

Yes, you read that correctly. According to the Chron, if Bill White talks enough, he suddenly "deserves" to have the entire political establishment march in lockstep with him.

Rock 'n' roll ain't noise pollution...

...rock 'n' roll ain't gonna die:

There's a new rock station in town. In a not-so-subtle jab at KLOL, which for 35 years billed itself as "The Texas Rock 'n' Roll Authority" before switching to a Spanish hip-hop/reggaeton music format aimed at a young Latino audience two months ago, the new station's call letters are KIOL. At noon Thursday, Cumulus Media flipped the former KRWP-FM Power 97.5 urban contemporary station to Rock 97.5. The first song played was AC/DC's For Those About to Rock (We Salute You).

It's about time. Of course, we all know where the real action is on your radio dial.

Chirac proposes taxing the entire world

Once again, French president Jacques Chirac demonstrates that he's never at a loss for incredibly bad ideas:

French President Jacques Chirac called for an "experimental" international tax to help fund the war against AIDS, suggesting it could be raised via a levy on airline tickets, some fuels or financial transactions.

Chirac acknowledged that his proposal would be widely debated, an allusion to US opposition to any international tax, and said there was "no question" of treading on each country's right to set its own levies. "But there is nothing to prevent states from cooperating and coming to an understanding on new resources and their allocation to a common cause," Chirac added. He said a tax on international financial transactions would be implemented sparingly and at a very low rate and would not be an obstacle to normal market operations. It could raise 10 billion dollars a year, he went on.

If there's one thing about new taxes that history has shown us, it's that they never go away. And besides, I seem to remember another worldwide tax that popped up a couple thousand years ago. Do we really want to go back to that?

New Google service lets users search TV

As we've written about before and over, Google rules. The site lets folks search the Internet, catalogs and their own computers, and even help cancer research. And now, we can search television, too:

Our mission is to organize the world's information, and that includes the thousands of programs that play on our TVs every day. Google Video enables you to search a growing archive of televised content – everything from sports to dinosaur documentaries to news shows. Just type in your search term (for instance, ipod or Napa Valley) or do a more advanced search (for instance, title:nightline) and Google Video will search the closed captioning text of all the programs in our archive for relevant results. Click on a program title on your results page and you can look through short snippets of the text along with still images from the show. Visit the "About this show" side panel to learn when this show will air next.

Awesome.

Mayor's 'State of the City' address, translated

As a public service to the residents of this world class city, I'd like to offer Bill White's "State of the City" address, translated into plain English:

In 2005 the business development plan for our region should be fully funded, following the recommendation of my task force on regional economic development. We need more targeted recruitment of likely corporate relocations, and better coordination of economic development activities within the region.

Translation: "The Greater Houston Partnership is going to come up with all kinds of goofy ideas, like shipping our money to Libya."

You know we just can't build ourselves out of gridlock, so we must manage traffic better.

Translation: "If you get a flat tire, we will take your car."

First, with help from METRO and the GHP we will convene a meeting of the region's major employers for a Summit on Flexible Work Schedules. We can never build our way out of traffic jams if too many of us are trying to get to the same place at the same time.

Translation: "You should be at work in the middle of the night."

Second, I urge all citizens to support METRO's voter-approved plans, as well as the goal announced a year ago by Judge Eckels for a regional program to build commuter rail. We encourage our members of Congress to fight for our region's fair share of new start dollars for transit.

Translation: "Repent, car-driving sinners! Bow at the altar of light rail and be cleansed in it's homeless-guy stink!"

We put City Hall on a business-like basis, by enacting a budget committed to fiscal discipline...

Translation: "I tried to drop $2 million on a black heritage museum before everyone called me on it."

And I will need your help and that of state officials in establishing sources of dedicated revenue to help us maintain our Fire and EMS services at the highest levels in the nation.

Translation: "I want more money for city government, and I will guilt-trip and mislead you into cooperating, just like I did with Prop 1. You don't want firemen and their cute Dalmatians to be slowly roasted alive, do you?"

The day after last year's State of the City address we announced the appointment of a new police chief, Harold Hurtt. We need to support Chief Hurtt and our HPD...

Translation: "We'll get Chief Hurtt into a uniform any day now, just as soon as he qualifies to be a traffic cop. Oh, and maybe we'll have a working DNA lab, too. But probably not."

You can help our City and yourself by sending out word today, by email, for folks to sign up for two events raising money for Houston Parks: the Bayou City Fun Run on March 12th and our first Tour de Houston Bike Ride on March 19th.

Translation: "I can actually say 'Tour de Houston' with a straight face."

Better maintenance of our existing parks, more bike trails, and work by an energized Parks Board and private donors in setting aside open space for Houston's families in the future. That includes 13 acres right outside this Convention Center.

Translation: "Get ready for a guilt trip on parks, too. Or do you want Houston's children to grow up in hellish squalor, filled with concrete and dioxin?"

The creation of a Neighborhood Protection Corps, assisting civic clubs trying to maintain and protect our community.

Translation: "We're giving out all kinds of money."

Stronger support for arts and cultural organizations, which enrich us so greatly.

Translation: "Tons of money."

Third, I am asking the City Attorney, along with those working with my colleagues at the County and other local governments in the region, to help us bring legal action if plants have no realistic plans to reduce emissions of air toxics to levels found acceptable by objective public health standards.

Translation: "The Chronicle's editorial board doubles as my speechwriting staff."

Houston's a friendly, generous city...

Translation: "And I'll find out just how generous."

I believe Houston can also be that type of city on a hill. No, I'm not proposing to literally raise the elevation of our City, though that's not a bad idea for flood control.

Translation: "Please nominate me for the Worst Joke of the Decade Award."

Ask yourself if you have done everything you can to be part of the group of people who sacrifice their time, talents, and treasure to take this City up that hill.

Translation: "I promise that every Houstonian will have the opportunity to sacrifice more treasure."

Gitmo detainees tried mass suicide in 2003

Apparently some of the captured terrorists at Guantanamo aren't as tough as they thought:

Twenty-three terror suspects tried to hang or strangle themselves at the U.S. military base in Guantanamo Bay during a mass protest in 2003, the military confirmed Monday. The incidents came during the same year the camp suffered a rash of suicide attempts after Maj. Gen. Geoffrey Miller took command of the prison with a mandate to get more information from prisoners accused of links to al-Qaida or the ousted Afghan Taliban regime that sheltered it. Between Aug. 18 and Aug. 26, the 23 detainees tried to hang or strangle themselves with pieces of clothing and other items in their cells, demonstrating "self-injurious behavior," the U.S. Southern Command in Miami said in a statement. Ten detainees made a mass attempt on Aug. 22 alone.

The idea of these guys cashing in their 72-virgins vouchers a bit early bothers me. Not because I care about their lives. I don't. But we weren't done grilling 'em yet.

Update: Chron exploits death in anti-war piece

In its latest effort to undermine the war effort, the Chronicle ran a letter by Dante Zappala, whose brother was killed in Iraq. Zappala is determined to prove that his brother's sacrifice meant nothing:

I am left now with a single word seared into my consciousness: accountability. The chance to hold our administration's feet to that flame has passed. But what of our citizenry? We are the ones who truly failed. We shut down our ability to think critically, to listen, to converse and to act. We are to blame. Even with every prewar assumption having been proved false, today more than 130,000 U.S. soldiers are trying to stay alive in a foreign desert with no clear mission at hand.

Please. What about Saddam's mass graves, torture chambers, and use of chemical weapons on his own people? The letter goes on to make this ridiculous attack on patriotism:

At home, the sidelines are overcrowded with patriots. These Americans cower from the fight they instigated in Iraq. In a time of war and record budget deficits, many are loath to even pay their taxes. In the end, however, it is not their family members who are at risk, and they do not sit up at night pleading with fate to spare them.

Zapalla uses a time-honored tactic of the left: call your opponent a greedy, warmongering tax cheat from a family of cowards. Brilliant. I'm surprised that the Chron was so slow in running this anti-Bush piece. It first appeared in the Los Angeles Times (or in Chronspeak, one of the "Houston Chronicle News Services") on January 14.

Update: As it turns out, the parents of the fallen soldier are committed peace activists. If only they paid as much attention to their son as they did to their wacko politics:

AMY GOODMAN: Did you agree with his decision to go to Iraq? ALFRED ZAPPALA: His decision to go to Iraq -- no. No. We -- our whole family didn't want to see him go. I really don't know how Sherwood felt about going. He was committed to his men, to his unit, and he felt the responsibility.

Of course, I'm not suggesting that their voices shouldn't be heard. In a vibrant democracy like ours, everyone should be free to speak their minds. However, the Zappalas clearly have an agenda that existed long before the war, and that's a fact the Chron's editors should have noted. The familiy is now exploting their dead son, who volunteered for the service, to advance that agenda.

In an April 2004 column, Jill Porter recalled Zappala's bizarre anti-war activities:

All her life, Celeste Zappala opposed war - none more than George Bush's misadventure in Iraq - marched against it, prayed against it, left the country during Vietnam because her convictions ran so deep.

Zappala went to visit Sher at Fort Dix on Feb. 1 and " got seriously lost. I am convinced my car is repelled by military bases," she wrote. Sher was "calm but clinging which made me want to cry, but I did not while we were with him," the e-mail continued. "We watched the Super Bowl with him in the base's bowling alley. It was depressing to sit there for hours with all the other vulnerable young men, their hair shorn; they all looked alike.

These "vulnerable young men" are not mindless drones or pawns of an evil conspiracy, as the Zapallas would have you believe. They are gutsy volunteers who willingly face danger. They bravely fight and die to protect us, people they will never meet. They are the men George Orwell wrote about:

People sleep peaceably in their beds at night only because rough men stand ready to do violence on their behalf.

Comments like the Zapallas' erode the morale of our boys, and bring shame on the honorable memories of those who have fallen. Fortunately, there is an honest tribute to the memory of this soldier:

"Sherwood, My name is Kele.I am seven years old.Your name is on my Hero Bracelet. I wear it all the time. I saw a picture of you. I am very sad that we lost you but am very proud of how you protected our country. i will always remember you. You are in my heart." Kele Mandrell of Ancona, Illinois, USA

Rest in peace, Sgt. Baker.

ChevronTexaco donates golf course to city

The Chronicle, which litters the streets of Houston with countless tons of wasted newsprint on a daily basis, is on an environmental kick as of late, slamming those eeeevil petrochemical companies. So don't be surprised when the Chron isn't too hot on this story:

Monday, ChevronTexaco announced the donation of a 130-acre golf course, formerly The Texaco Country Club, to the Houston Parks Board and the City of Houston. The golf course, combined with an adjacent 34-acre tract of parkland acquired by the Houston Parks Board, is now a 164-acre new city park named Coolgreen Park. The park is adjacent to Greens Bayou just east of Loop 610, at the intersection of Maxey Road and Coolgreen Street. In addition to a public golf course open for play, the park features wooded acreage that harbors wildlife such as deer, raccoons, fox, herons, egret, kingfishers and ducks. Established in 1924 for the benefit of Texaco's employees and retirees, the Texaco Country Club has been a semi-private golf course for 80 years. Membership consisted of Texaco retirees, ChevronTexaco employees and others. Texaco retirees have been operating the course and will continue to be involved in its management.

Wait, I thought oil companies only did eeeevil things like drill for oil, rape the planet, start wars, drown cute little baby seals in Quaker State, and create millions of jobs!

U.N. to commemorate Holocaust anniversary

The world's anti-Semites are taking a break from blocking Israel's every move; they're gathering in New York to recognize the 60th anniversary of the Holocaust:

The UN General Assembly is to mark the 60th anniversary of the liberation of the Nazi concentration camps with a special session. Secretary General Kofi Annan has said Monday's event will have profound significance as the founding of the UN was a direct response to the Holocaust. It will be the first ever such session held by the General Assembly.

When you hear the words "United Nations," do you think "tough, effective response to genocide?" Yeah, me neither.

All approved stem cells contaminated

For years, we've heard the hype: disease will be wiped off the face of the earth if we could just experiment with human embryos. Wrong:

All human embryonic stem cell lines approved for use in federally funded research are contaminated with a foreign molecule from mice that may make them risky for use in medical therapies, according to a study released Sunday. Researchers at the University of California-San Diego and the Salk Institute for Biological Studies in San Diego report that if the stem cells are transplanted into people, the cells could provoke an immune system attack that would wipe out their ability to deliver cures for diseases such as Parkinson's, Alzheimer's and diabetes.

Gosh, it looks like the massacre of embryos for destructive experiments isn't paying off! Who could've known?

Dutton calls for 24-hour booze in Texas hotels

State Rep. Harold Dutton (D-Houston) is growing on me more and more every day:

Right now, bars in Texas stop serving alcohol at 2 am. But if a current bill is passed by the legislature, you could buy drinks at hotel bars 24 hours a day, 7 days a week. The bill is sponsored by Representative Harold Dutton of Houston. If passed, hotel bars could serve alcohol at any time. But some hotel bar managers aren't too sold on the idea. Currently hotel bars follow the same laws as other bars in Texas...They close at 2 am. But when one representative was forced to continue drinking from a mini-bar in his hotel room, he felt it didn't make sense. House Bill 428 would exempt hotel bars from state liquor laws as long as the alcohol is served on site. Although it could boost revenues, the Camino Real Food and Beverage director is concerned about liability issues.

This guy's on an intoxicant-legalizing kick as of late, and it's kind of fun to watch. Cheers!

CBS execs 'asked to resign' still work at CBS

Remember those CBS executives that were asked to resign following the network's Memogate report? They haven't quit:

The three CBS News executives asked to resign for their roles in the network's discredited story about President Bush's National Guard service had not done so by Wednesday, more than a week later. It was unclear whether their lack of action foreshadows a legal battle between CBS and Josh Howard, executive producer of "60 Minutes Wednesday"; his top deputy, Mary Murphy; and CBS senior vice president Betsy West. "There are discussions going on with them," CBS chairman Leslie Moonves said.

I'm hoping for a massive internal battle royale that spills into the courts. And I think it's coming.

Photos released showing heartthrob Bill Gates

Isn't he just dreamy?

Yes, that's a Mac in the background.

The young tycoon shows off his ninja skills.

Cragg Hines boldly stands up for...nothing

The Chronicle's Cragg Hines shows us his devotion to liberty:

In the finest rhetorical fashion, Bush set up his premise as incontestable: "We are led, by events and common sense, to one conclusion: The survival of liberty in our land increasingly depends on the success of liberty in other lands. The best hope for peace in our world is the expansion of freedom in all the world." "One conclusion"? Er, not quite. Perhaps Bush's construct is a useful, even desirable, one.

Perhaps? PERHAPS?! Reportedly, Cragg will respond with "perhaps" when asked any number of questions, like:

• Is the sky blue?
• Is your employer a money-losing dinosaur despite being a monopoly?
• Does two plus two equal four?
• Have you cut back to one bucket of chicken per day?

Incidentally, Cragg inexplicably made #43 on the Washingtonian's list of top political journalists. This little tidbit caught my eye:

Among the closest readers of his items is First Mum Barbara Bush, who has stopped Hines on the street to let him know what she thinks of the Chronicle.

Barbara, remember Matthew 7:6:

Give not that which is holy unto the dogs, neither cast ye your pearls before swine, lest they trample them under their feet, and turn again and rend you.

Calif. set to terminate killer after Gov's OK

Once again, it is policy that if you kill a Californian, the state will kill you back:

Gov. Arnold Schwarzenegger and the U.S. Supreme Court refused this afternoon to block the execution of Donald Beardslee, who is scheduled to be put to death by lethal injection at a minute past midnight for murdering two young Peninsula women in 1981. Schwarzenegger denied a clemency request by Beardslee's lawyers, who said the 61-year-old prisoner suffers from serious brain damage that prevented him from making independent judgments at the time of the killings. The governor said Beardslee apparently has a mental impairment but had acted purposefully in committing the murders and trying to cover them up. "There is no question in my mind that at the time Beardslee committed the murders he knew what he was doing — and he knew it was wrong," Schwarzenegger said.

Hasta la vista, baby.

Sullivan wusses out on Abu Ghraib flap

Andrew Sullivan, who passes himself off as a conservative blogger, quotes Abu Ghraib convict Charles Graner before slamming the military prosecution:

"I know the Geneva Conventions, better than anyone else in my company. And we were called upon to violate the Geneva Conventions." - Charles Graner, the sadistic monster of Abu Ghraib. I'm not so much shocked as intrigued by the relatively light sentence. It would be hard to find or invent a more graphic example of evil than that perpetrated by Graner in Abu Ghraib. And yet, he received only 10 years, rather than the maximum fifteen.

Please. Graphic examples of evil are evident every day in the war on terror. How about the mass murder of innocents on September 11? Or maybe the nightclub bombing in Bali? Or the routine decapitations of foreigners working in Iraq? Don't get me wrong. Charles Graner was cruel, and should be punished. But to suggest that he's the epitome of wickedness is to trivialize the real evil that we're up against in the war on terror.

100-pound woman eats 11-pound burger

The Champion.

Get this. A 100-pound 19-year-old girl ate a six-pound burger with five pounds of trimmings:

A dainty 100lb woman has become the first person ever to finish Denny's Beer Barrel Pub's monster 6lb burger. Kate Stelnick, 19, of Princeton, N.J., made the five-hour drive with two friends from The College of New Jersey, after they saw pictures of the monster burger, dubbed the Ye Old 96er, on the Internet and on TV's Food Network. She ate the burger in 2 hours 54 mins, 6 minutes under the 3 hours allowed. Not even competitive eater Eric "Badlands" Booker was able to eat it when he tried last June. It took him 7 1/2 hours.

She'll make some lucky guy very happy. Until she eats him into the poor house.

Israeli general: To end terror, 'conquer Gaza'

A former general in the Israeli Defense Forces has put forward a simple but compelling plan for ending terror attacks from the Gaza Strip:

Can Israel defeat Palestinian terrorism? Contrary to many spokesmen on the Israeli media, ex-Deputy IDF Intelligence Chief Gen. Yaakov Amidror says the answer is an unequivocal "yes." Amidror told Army Radio today that he disagrees strongly with Deputy Defense Minister Ze'ev Boim's premise that Israel has essentially used up all its military options. "We must stop fooling ourselves," Amidror said. "Either we want to stop the Kassams [improvised rockets] on Sderot, or we don't. If we do, then there is a simple way: to conquer the Gaza Strip – or at least those areas from where the rockets are fired, plus an additional two-kilometer zone around it. It will require, in my opinion, about two divisions. True, there will be a price to such an offensive, but just because there will be a price doesn't mean it’s impossible. Those who are afraid to pay this price shouldn't say that we can't do it, but should rather say that they don't want to pay the price. Actually, I don't think that the price will be as heavy as is feared. We did the same thing in Shechem (Nablus) and Jenin, and terrorism there dropped to almost zero."

In this age of nuance, it's refreshing to hear the truth. You want to beat the bad guys? Go in and conquer 'em.

Site offers device to block Fox News signal

Some guy on the left, that bastion of free speech and other open exchange of ideas, has created a device to block the Fox News Channel signal from entering your TV and...I don't know, murdering your family or something:

If we band together and tell the advertisers to shut the FOX up, we can help limit the scope, or at least the profitability of FOX News. FOXBlocker is an innovative new product that filters out the FOX News network. Simply screw the filter into the back of your TV and never be exposed to right wing propaganda again (at least through FOX News). Using a proprietary technology, the FOXBlocker works to filter out FOX News from your cable lineup.

FNC executives are quaking in their boots. Oh, wait, no they're not:

There’s not much debate about who’s winning. At the end of 2004, a television year pumped up by Iraq war coverage and a divisive Presidential election cycle, Fox continued its three-year hold on No. 1 ratings: It now trumps all of its cable news rivals combined. According to Nielsen Media Research, Fox pulled in an average of 913,000 viewers, compared to CNN’s 479,000. During the coverage of the Presidential election night on Nov. 2, an average of 8.05 million tuned into Fox News, outpacing CNN by some two million viewers.

Swiss officials unveil $300k public toilets

Officials in Geneva, Switzerland are spending $13 million for 35 new public toilets:

Each sparkling new facility is designed by a different architect at a cost of $313,000 — about the same as a 1-bedroom, city center apartment. Three of the toilets have already been installed. "Inside they are functional and equipped to a high sanitary standard," the city council said on its Web site. "On the outside, each public toilet is different and adapted to its surroundings." Patrons will be charged 50 centimes (US$0.42; euro0.32) for each visit to a self-cleaning toilet, which is accompanied by music.

Wow. And I thought Bill White knew how to fritter away the taxpayers' money!

Terrorists kidnap Catholic archbishop in Iraq

Terrorists in Iraq have attacked Christianity yet again:

A Roman Catholic archbishop in Mosul, Iraq, has been kidnapped, the Vatican said Monday. It identified the kidnapped man as Archbishop Basile Georges Casmoussa, 66, of the Syrian Catholic Church, one of the branches of the Roman Catholic Church. "The Holy See deplores in the firmest way such a terrorist act," a Vatican statement said, demanding that he be freed immediately. According to reports from Baghdad, Casmoussa was walking in front of his church in Mosul's eastern neighborhood of Muhandeseen when he was abducted.

This latest assault is brought to you by adherents of the Religion of Peace.

Bush nominee Gonzales soft on immigration

Michelle Malkin notes that Alberto Gonzales, President Bush's nominee for Attorney General, isn't too enthusiastic about enforcing U.S. immigration law, according to transcripts from his confirmation hearing:

Personally, I would worry about a policy that permits someone, a local law enforcement official, to use this authority somehow as a club to harass -- they might be undocumented aliens, but otherwise lawful citizens. That would be troubling. That would be troubling to the president who, as a governor of a -- former governor of a border state understands and appreciates the roles that immigrants and undocumented aliens play in our society.

There are a number of things that I don't like about Alberto Gonzales: 1. He said "undocumented." Twice. 2. He referred to illegal aliens as "lawful citizens." 3. He's a member of La Raza, and earned the endorsement of that pro-illegal-immigration group.

Jeep unveils twin-engine Hurricane SUV

Not available with solar power.

My first car was a Jeep, so I've always had a fondness for them. But they always had a major flaw: the vehicle had only one engine. But that's changing:

In a surprise move Sunday, DaimlerChrysler AG's Chrysler Group unveiled the Jeep Hurricane concept, a brawny off-roader powered by two of the automaker's famous V-8 engines and an answer to critics who believe the famously rugged Jeep brand is going soft. "We haven't forgotten, nor will we ever forget, what makes a Jeep a Jeep," said Chrysler CEO Dieter Zetsche, standing next to the open-top monster at the 2005 North American International Auto Show.

The Hurricane's two engines -- one in front, one back -- combine to make 670 horsepower, and offer 740 foot-pounds of torque. It has 14 inches of ground clearance, and does 0 to 60 in less than 5 seconds. The signature feature is a steering system that allows it to turn in a complete circle in the same spot.

Mr. Zetsche is said to have fallen in love with Jeeps after seeing them crush his fatherland in the final days of World War II.

Poll: 25% of UK are Nazi-sympathizing dolts

No, I am not exaggerating:

Nearly three-quarters of Britons believe Prince Harry was wrong to wear a Nazi costume to a fancy dress party, a newspaper poll revealed tonight.

Some 52% of 18-24 year-olds felt his costume was perfectly acceptable while among those aged 65 and over 83% disagreed, rising to 85% for those aged 55-64.

See, what that kid needed was more childhood spankings.

Maybe Rep. Dutton isn't so bad after all

The last time I wrote about State Rep. Harold Dutton (D-Houston), it's because the legislator was trying to decriminalize pot possession. Boy, did I hear about it. Well now he wants to protect parents' rights to spank their kids, and this time I am four-square behind him:

State Rep. Harold Dutton, D-Houston, has filed a bill that gives parents the right to use corporal punishment for "the reasonable discipline" of their children. "If your 14-year-old granddaughter leaves for school on Friday and doesn't come home until Sunday, you don't send her to timeout to get her to change her behavior," said Dutton, a father of seven and the attorney for the grandmother accused of abuse. "You've got to do something rather drastic."

When I was growing up, my mom had this magical wooden spoon. I could be in an entirely empty kitchen, and the second I reached for the cookie jar...WHACK! The spoon would appear out of nowhere and pop me right on the knuckles. And it was nice and legal.

Man unknowingly fires 4-inch nail into head

The guy didn't notice the nail in his head. Seriously.

Be very, very careful with nail guns:

A dentist found the source of the toothache Patrick Lawler was complaining about on the roof of his mouth: a four-inch nail the construction worker had unknowingly embedded in his skull six days earlier. A nail gun backfired on Lawler, 23, on Jan. 6 while working in Breckenridge, a ski resort town in the central Colorado mountains. The tool sent a nail into a piece of wood nearby, but Lawler didn't realize a second nail had shot through his mouth, said his sister, Lisa Metcalse.

He was taken to a suburban Denver hospital, where he underwent a four-hour surgery. The nail had plunged 1 1/2 inches into his brain, barely missing his right eye, Metcalse said.

Mattsapundit's medical research department has discovered the medical instrument used to remove the nail.

Liberals detail plans to disrupt inauguration

Over the weekend, I descended into the inner circle of hell -- also known as the Eschaton comments section -- for some undercover reporting. Iit's pretty scary, especially when the ultra-left-wing wackos start discussing things like assassinating the president and murdering his supporters:

"I may watch the festivities, if only not to miss the chance to applaud the appearance of the long-awaited, desperately needed dime-sized hole..." Would that it were so! Hopefully the size of a grapefruit on the exit...

"will somebody PLEASE start killing these people? it's really all they understand."

That's pretty disturbing stuff. The commenters also offer the following protest ideas, all with the aim of furthering the civil discourse of ideas:

• Occupying all the portable toilets so that they cannot be used.
• Throwing rotten meat, eggs and vegetables at Bush supporters. (I thought these folks disapproved of meat.)
• Jackhammering streets around the Capitol.
• Urinating on bushes in parks. Get it?
• Egging the presidential limousine.

Then HoneyBearKelly offers this bizarre protest idea:

Somebody on Al Franken's blog suggested we not buy gasoline on Jan. 20. That's a good idea. Now tell 3 people or post the idea on 3 blogs.

I'm somewhat comforted by the fact that these folks are way too incompetent to pull off an assassination. But the discussion of it is troubling nonetheless.

Op-ed shows backlash against left in academe

Brian Anderson notes these heartening facts of the modern university:

The number of College Republicans has almost tripled, from 400 or so campus chapters six years ago, to 1,148 today, with 120,000-plus members (compared with the College Democrats' 900 or so chapters and 100,000 members). College Republicans are thriving even on elite campuses. "We've doubled in size over the last few years, to more than 400 students," reports Evan Baehr, the square-jawed future pol heading the Princeton chapter. The number of College Republicans at Penn has also rocketed upward, says chapter president Stephanie Steward, from 25 or so members a couple of years ago to 700 today. Same story at Harvard. These young Republican activists, trudging into battleground states this fall in get-out-the-vote efforts, helped George W. Bush win.

Excellent. But there's still a long way to go:

Needless to say, the university establishment is downright angry about [Students for Academic Freedom]'s campaign--all the more so because it turns the left's own language of "diversity" and "rights" against it. The liberal American Association of University Professors, in textbook Orwellian fashion, declares the Academic Bill of Rights a "grave threat" to academic freedom. In Colorado, Mr. Horowitz recounts, "A student whose professor at a state school threw him out of class, saying, 'I don't want your right-wing views in my classroom,' testified at a legislative hearing that the bill would be a good idea, since it would curtail that kind of behavior. Once the student gets away from the microphone, the chairman of the philosophy department from the state university in question comes up, jams the kid in the chest with his finger, and says, 'I have a Ph.D. from Harvard, and I will sue your f---ing ass if this bill passes.' " A legislator, overhearing the threat from this anti-Socrates, noted: "That's exactly why we need this bill of rights."

Yes it is.

Hitler had scheme to kidnap Pope Pius XII

Remember Pope Pius XII? The World War II-era pontiff has been reviled as ambivalent to the Nazi slaughter of Jews. Some have even called him "Hitler's Pope." Maybe not:

Nazi dictator Adolf Hitler gave one of his generals a direct order to kidnap Pope Pius XII during World War Two but the officer did not obey, Italy's leading Roman Catholic newspaper reported Saturday. Avvenire, which is owned by the Italian Conference of Roman Catholic bishops, said new details of the plot had emerged in documents presented to the Vatican in favor of putting the controversial wartime Pontiff on the road to sainthood. Elements of alleged plots to abduct the Pope during Germany's occupation of Italy have already emerged in the past from some historians, but Avvenire's full-page report said its details were new. Avvenire said Hitler feared the Pope would be an obstacle to his plans for global domination and because the dictator wanted to eventually abolish Christianity and impose National Socialism as a sort of new global religion.

Now maybe we'll see anti-Catholic forces relax in their opposition to sainthood for the late Holy Father. But probably not.

I wish I were Browns quarterback Jeff Garcia

Sure, I'd have to live in Cleveland. Yes, I'd have a 4-12 record. And I'd be hobbling around with a season-ending knee injury. But I'd get to see one hell of a catfight:

The Playboy Playmate galpal of Cleveland Browns QB Jeff Garcia, accused of grabbing a dance pole and karate-kicking Garcia's ex in the head, was found not guilty of assaulting the woman, a judge ruled last night. However, Judge Anita Laster Mays said Carmella DeCesare did violate a protective order the pigskin player's scorned sweetie, Kristen Hine, had against the reigning Playmate of the Year. During the three-day misdemeanor assault trial in Cleveland Municipal Court, the judge heard testimony from Hine, 32, who accused DeCesare, 22, of kicking her in the head last Aug. 21 at a nightspot called Tramp. How apropos. Testimony revealed the women apparently were brawling over the affections of Garcia, who took the stand this week in his newer, younger Playmate's defense. He portrayed his ex as an obsessive groupie with an annoying attraction for him.

Now if you'll excuse me, I'm gonna go work out. Less than eight months until NFL training camp starts, and now I'm motivated.

Where's King Solomon when you need him?

What a sad story:

The infant dubbed "Baby 81" nurses from a bottle of milk and kicks playfully at a pink blanket as nine desperate, heartbroken women quarrel over him — all claiming he was torn from them by the tsunami. One man standing outside the nursery at Kalmunai Base Hospital threatened to kill himself and his wife if they are not given the baby. A woman at the hospital said she would kill the doctors unless she gets him. The battle over the wide-eyed boy, who appears to be about three or four months old, symbolizes the enormous loss in the Dec. 26 disaster.

It's made even worse by the possibility that none of the claimaints are the real parents.

AP runs blatant anti-Bush inauguration story

If you ever doubt that the media is stacked with liberals who inject their biases into the news, just read this:

President Bush's second inauguration will cost tens of millions of dollars — $40 million alone in private donations for the balls, parade and other invitation-only parties. With that kind of money, what could you buy? -200 armored Humvees with the best armor for troops in Iraq. -Vaccinations and preventive health care for 22 million children in regions devastated by the tsunami. -A down payment on the nation's deficit, which hit a record-breaking $412 billion last year.

And yet, reporters don't whine about the National Endowment for the Arts' $116 million budget.

Pentagon pursued weird chemical weapons

Tom Jones, meet the real sex bomb:

The Pentagon considered developing a host of non-lethal chemical weapons that would disrupt discipline and morale among enemy troops, newly declassified documents reveal. Most bizarre among the plans was one for the development of an "aphrodisiac" chemical weapon that would make enemy soldiers sexually irresistible to each other. Provoking widespread homosexual behaviour among troops would cause a "distasteful but completely non-lethal" blow to morale, the proposal says.

Wow.

CBS alters report to foil bloggers' criticism

Little Green Footballs points out that CBS is trying to prevent bloggers from dissecting the Memogate report:

CBS has altered the PDF file for their report on Memogate, to prevent copying and pasting. Here’s the page at CBS News, with modified PDF file: CBS Ousts 4 For Bush Guard Story. Rather obviously (pardon the pun), this is aimed at making it harder for blogs to criticize the report, by stopping them from copying and pasting sections to illustrate points.

So much for transparency and accountability.

Malkin recounts viciously racist emails

Michelle Malkin points out that the flap over Armstrong Williams will lead to even more slander against minority conservatives:

[Warning: This link includes disturbing language. Reader discrection is advised. Seriously.]

As a result of the Williams/Department of Education payoff, the rhetoric against the rest of us will get even nastier. In the name of "minority outreach," the Republican education bureaucrats who cooked up their pathetic scheme with Williams have done more damage to our credibility than all the unhinged liberal cartoonists and race-baiters and grievance-mongers could ever hope to do. Thanks for nothing.

She then reprints some emails she's received:

Proverbs 69:69 counsels: "Like a whore who infects those she sleeps with, so doth the ultra-republican faux columnist infect her readers with lies." While you are looking in the mirror, cursing the Left because you weren't born blond, think about the above. Amen.

Say, how does it feel to be a paid prostitute for the republicans? Go get some more collagen injected in your lips, it makes you look more the part.

Those are some of the tamest.

Update: Joke Contest prompts flood of entries

The customers have come through in fine form for the Mattsapundit Lawyer Joke Contest. Vincent Pantano has two dealing with lawyer castaways:

An attorney was amongst a group of survivors stranded on a desert island in shark infested waters. After weeks of eating coconuts the group was barely alive when one of them spied what appeared to be a rowboat drifting past the island. The group called a hasty meeting to decide the best plan to get to the boat. Before anything was decided, though, the attorney dove into the surf and swam through the packs of sharks to the boat. After several minutes the attorney returned to the island with the boat. He was greeted with cheers and acknowledgements of his obvious bravery. When asked how he knew the sharks would not attack him, he smiled and replied, "Professional courtesy.."

Q: What do you call a boatload of lawyers, lost at sea? A: A good start.

Buddy Smith stays in the nautical vein, adding:

Q: What's the difference between a lawyer and a catfish? A: One is a bottom dwelling scum sucker, the other is a fish.

Gregg Gotlieb chimes in:

A wealthy lawyer was riding in his limousine when he saw two men along the roadside eating grass. Disturbed, he ordered his driver to stop and he got out to investigate. He asked one man, "Why are you eating grass?" "We don't have any money for food," the poor man replied. "We have to eat grass." "Well then, you can come with me to my house and I'll feed you," the lawyer said. "But sir, I have a wife and two children with me. They are over there, under that tree." "Bring them along," the lawyer replied. Turning to the other poor man he stated, "You come with us also." The second man, in a pitiful voice then said, "But sir, I also have a wife and SIX children with me!" "Bring them all, as well," the lawyer answered. They all entered the car, which was no easy task, even for a car as large as the limousine. Once underway, one of the poor fellows turned to the lawyer and said, "Sir, you are too kind. Thank you for taking all of us with you." The lawyer replied, "Glad to do it. You'll really love my place; the grass is almost a foot high!"

Gene Stansbery has another one dealing with high-occupancy vehicles:

Q: What's worse than a bus full of lawyers driving off a cliff? A: A bus full of lawyers with an empty seat driving off a cliff.

Maggie tosses her hat in the ring:

A lawyer is visited one night by an angel warning him of his soon-to-be demise. The lawyer, who has worked so diligently all his life, argues that he should be allowed to bring some of his (ill-gotten) gains with him. The angel sighs and tells him he may bring one - and only one - suitcase with him. The next morning, the lawyer tells his wife what has happened and goes immediately to the bank to withdraw as much money as he can fit into one suitcase - a sizeable sum. He then puts the suitcase in the attic so he can grab it "on the way". Sure enough, he soon dies in an automobile accident. After fighting off the lawyers who want to take her side in a wrongful death suit, she goes to the attic to retrieve some boxes in which to pack her husband's things. She sees the suitcase and, slapping herself on the forehead, exclaims, "I should have reminded him to put it in the BASEMENT!"

Another one from Buddy:

A dying man gathered his Lawyer, Doctor and Clergyman at his bedside and handed each of them an envelope containing $50,000 in cash. He made them each promise that after his death and during his repose, they would place the three envelopes in his coffin. He told them that he wanted to have enough money to enjoy the next life. A week later, the man died. At the Wake, the Lawyer and Doctor and Clergyman, each concealed an envelope in the coffin and bid their old client and friend farewell. By chance, these three met several months later. Soon the Clergyman, feeling guilty, blurted out a confession saying that there was only $10,000 in the envelop he placed in the coffin. He felt, rather than waste all the money, he would send it to a Mission in South America. He asked for their forgiveness. The Doctor, moved by the gentle Clergymans sincerity, confessed that he too had kept some of the money for a worthy medical charity. The envelope, he admitted, had only $15000 in it. He said, he too could not bring himself to waste the money so frivolously when it could be used to benefit others. By this time the Lawyer was seething with self-righteous outrage. He expressed his deep disappointment in the felonious behavior of two of his oldest and most trusted friends. I am the only one who kept his promise to our dying friend. I want you both to know that the envelope I placed in the coffin contained the full amount. Indeed, my envelope contained my personal check for the entire $50,000.

LST contributor and grammarian extraordinaire Celia Mabry, who is not eligible for this contest, pitches in:

Q: What is the difference between a federal judge and God? A: God does not believe He is a federal judge.

Wade Davis takes the lead with this gem:

Q: What's black and brown and looks good on a lawyer? A: A Doberman.

John's got a few:

A dog ran into a butcher shop and grabbed a roast off the counter. Fortunately, the butcher recognized the dog as belonging to a neighbor of his. The neighbor happened to be a lawyer. Incensed at the theft, the butcher called up his neighbor and said, "Hey, if your dog stole a roast from my butcher shop, would you be liable for the cost of the meat?" The lawyer replied, "Of course, how much was the roast?" "$7.98." A few days later the butcher received a check in the mail for $7.98. Attached to it was an invoice that read: Legal Consultation Service: $150.

The day after a verdict had been entered against his client, the lawyer rushed to the judge's chambers, demanding that the case be reopened, saying: "I have new evidence that makes a huge difference in my client's defense." The judge asked, "What new evidence could you have?" The lawyer replied, "My client has an extra $10,000, and I just found out about it!"

Q: What's the difference between a lawyer and a terrorist? A: You can negotiate with a terrorist.

Editor's note: Lone Star Times does not condone negotiating with terrorists. Or lawyers.

Q: How many lawyer jokes are there? A: Just two, all the rest are true.

Indiana University law student and dear friend Mary submits this one:

A lawyer is working on a tough case and, in a fit of frustration, comments that she'd sell her soul to the devil for a win. The devil appears in a poof of smoke and offers her success in the case and all the money she can handle, but in exchange she has to give the devil the souls of her husband and her two infant children. The lawyer considers for a minute, then asks the devil, "What's the catch?"

Buddy, Gregg and Kevin submitted some other very funny ones. Unfortunately, decorum prohibits reprinting them here, as this is a family website. Email me.

So far the entries have been numerous, funny, and to a large extent, vulgar. Dan's right when he says y'all are the best audience in the world. Keep 'em coming! Update: I've heard from an actual lawyer. A law professor, no less! Prof. Dru Stevenson writes on his blog:

I kind of enjoy lawyer jokes, but the media tried to make it sound like this was a case of egregious overlawyering. Notice at the end of the article that these guys complain they've been standing outside Long Island courthouses mocking lawyers "for years" without being arrested. Duh. You didn't expect one of those evil, assertive lawyers to get sick of it and complain at some point? As a practitioner, I didn't enjoy standing in line outside the courthouse in the freezing New England weather any more than the rest of the people - actually probably less, because most people appearing on charges seemed to bring friends and family with them to keep them company. These protestors really must not have enough to do! Get a job or something! If somebody finally decided he'd had enough, how was he supposed to know these guys were there that day for an actual criminal charge, instead of just standing near the line heckling the poor attorneys like usual? Sheesh. And thanks a lot for your loathsome drunk driving - lucky you didn't kill a nice family in a minivan or something. I know there are lots of lawyers who really deserve all those lawyer jokes, but we seem to have a shortage of ways to mock, scorn, abuse, and ridicule drunk drivers. (I know, they're just not funny, but are most lawyers that funny?) The two jerks (in my book) with too much time on their hands are pictured below...

He's got a good point. That said, how do you save a lawyer from drowning? Take your foot off his face. Another update: The hits just keep on coming! Dell chides me for being mean:

Matt: It's not really nice to demean an entire profession for just two or three hundred thousand bad apples.

As Glenn Reynolds would say: Heh. (And he's a lawyer!) We're not done yet, folks. Brian Reichardt assures me that this is the "Best Lawyer Joke Ever:"

A guy browsing through an antique store comes across a golden rat. Intrigued, he decides to buy it. As he's paying the shop owner for the rat, the shop owner asks, "Do you want the instructions?" The man replies, "It's a golden rat. What do I need instructions for?" The shop keeper answers, "You'll see." And the man goes on his way. Getting into his car, the man puts the rat on the seat next to him and drives away. After he has driven for a couple of blocks he looks into his rear view mirror and sees thousands of rats running down the street following the car. Rats are streaming out of back alleys and dumpsters as he passes. Suddenly the man has an idea. He drives to the nearest bridge, pulls his car over and throws the golden rat into the river. All the rats follow the golden rat over the side into the river and drown. The man jumps back into his car and speeds back to the antique shop. When he walks back inside the owner smiles and says, "I see you came back for the instructions." "No," the man replies, "I came back to see if you had a golden lawyer."

Eighteen emails? Is that the best you folks can do? Come on! I want some lawyer jokes! Bill comes through with a good one:

There was an argument between God and the Devil; they were fighting over the fence between Heaven and Hell. God wanted it to be at this line and the devil wanted it at that line. After years of going back and forth the devil asked to just let the lawyers settle it. The next day the devil noticed that the fence was right were he wanted it all along. He asked God, "How could you change your mind so quickly?" God said, "What choice did I have? You've got all the lawyers!"

Lynn Johnson wants to know if the contest is still going on. Boy, is it ever. She sends these two:

Q: What's the difference between a dead snake in the middle of the road and a dead lawyer in the middle of the road? A: Skid marks before the snake.

An ambitious young man finished college, made it through law school, passed the bar, and secured a position with a very successful law firm. He made a lot of money for himself and his firm, and was on the fast track to success and riches. But on the day he was to be made a partner in the firm, he died of natural causes. At the pearly gates he rushed up to St. Peter in a panic. "There has got to be some mistake. I'm young, healthy, and was just now hitting his stride. It's not fair that I should die just at the moment I am reaching my peak and beginning to reap the benefits of my work." St. Peter assured him mistakes were rare, but he would check the books. After a quick look, St. Peter explained "There is no mistake and a man your age should not be surprised to find himself standing where he is now." "But I'm only 28." cried the lawyer. "Oh?" said Saint Peter, "According to your billed hours, you're 104."

Jaime Purcell takes a different tack, plugging the book Anguished English: An Anthology of Accidental Assaults Upon Our Language by Richard Lederer. Some highlights from court transcripts:

Q: Do you know how far pregnant you are right now? A: I will be three months November 8th. Q: Apparently then, the date of conception was August 8th? A: Yes. Q: What were you and your husband doing at that time?

Q: "Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?" A: "No." Q: "Did you check for blood pressure?" A: "No." Q: "Did you check for breathing?" A: "No." Q: "So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?" A: "No." Q: "How can you be so sure, Doctor?" A: "Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar." Q: "But could the patient have still been alive nevertheless?" A: "It is possible that he could have been alive and practising law somewhere."

Still Another Update: We got another batch of 'em in. Tobin Englet writes:

A lawyer bought a new Mercedes. On the way home another car sideswiped him and took the drivers side door off. The Police officer on the scene rushed over to the attorney, who was screaming about his missing door, and said, "Sir are you aware your arm has been cut off in the accident?" The attorney started screaming, "Oh no, not my new Rolex too!"

Rich Goeggel discusses legal ethics:

An elderly woman visited a lawyer to write a will. Upon completing the task, the lawyer presented her with a bill for $100 which she paid in cash and left. After she left, the lawyer discovered that she had actually given him two $100 bills, stuck together. Thus he faced an ethical dilemma... Should he tell his partner?

Samuel Crumpton, who works for a Houston law firm, fired off these two:

Q: What do you call an attorney with an I.Q. of 70? A: Your Honor.

A police officer was testifying in a case, and the prosecuting attorney asked him, "Do you trust your fellow officers?" to which the police officer answered, "Yes. I trust them with my life." The Prosecutor said, "Trust them with your life, do you? Admirable. Do you have a locker where you keep your personal things when you come to work?" To which the officer replied, "Yes." The prosecutor asked, "Do you have a lock on that locker?" The officer answered, "Yes." The prosecutor then gloated, "So you trust your fellow officers with your life, but not your personal effects? Is that it? Why is it again that you have a lock on your locker in the police locker room?" The intrepid young officer answered, "Sir, the police locker room is in the bottom floor of this courthouse and occasionally lawyers pass through."

Omigosh It's Another Update:John Lane offers this one:

Q: How did we get copper wire? A: Two lawyers fighting over a penny.

Butch Key (who has the coolest name ever) is up next:

Q: What do lawyers and sperm have in common? A: Only one in a million ever does something worthwhile.

Q: How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb? A: Three. One to screw the light bulb, one to shake the ladder and one to sue the ladder company.

Did you hear about the lawyer who got hurt in an accident? The ambulance stopped suddenly.

Gregg Gotlieb is back:

A man returning home a day early from a business trip got into a taxi at the airport. It was after midnight. While en route to his home, he called his lawyer. The man suspected his wife was having an affair and he intended to catch her in the act and wanted to know what he could do legally. Quietly arriving at the house, the husband tiptoed into the bedroom. The husband switched on the lights, yanked the blanket back and there was his wife in bed with another man. The husband put a gun to the naked man's head. The wife shouted, "Don't do it! This man has been very generous! I lied when I told you I inherited money. He paid for the Corvette I bought for you. He paid for our new cabin cruiser. He paid for our house at the lake. He paid for our country club membership, and he even pays the monthly dues!" Shaking his head from side-to-side the husband slowly lowered the gun. He called his lawyer and told him the story and asked, "What should I do now?" The lawyer said, "I'd cover him up with that blanket before he catches a cold."

Now we have John Dunn:

Q: What do you have with a lawyer buried up to his neck in sand? A: Not enough sand.

Deadline for final submissions is midnight tonight. Y'all are wearing me out!

Mayor proposes 'free' $afe Clear towing

Mr. Bill White, faced with mounting criticism of the Safe Clear program from all quarters has decided to make towing an entitlement:

Wrecker drivers in the city's Safe Clear program will provide free, short-distance tows and assistance to motorists on Houston freeways if their vehicles are not blocking traffic, Mayor Bill White proposed today in response to a firestorm of complaints about the program. White said the free service, if approved by City Council, would cost taxpayers about $300,000 a year -- the money coming from transportation funds in the city's Public Works and Engineering Department. He called this a small price to pay for the reduction in traffic congestion he believes the program will provide. Safe Clear tows of five miles or less now cost motorists $75. Under White's proposal, short tows would be free but the city would reimburse towing companies $50 for each one.

Curiouser and curiouser. I suppose this is an effort to persuade people that Safe Clear isn't really a revenue grab. Instead, it's just another advancement of governmental action replacing personal responsibility. Can't say I'm surprised.