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Thursday, September 08, 2005

"Creamy" skim milk, and the skinny on H-E-B

I noticed the following words on my bottle of milk this evening:
Creamy & Delicious
It's skim milk, dammit. If my skim milk is creamy, the milk-skimming machine is not performing its intended function. The milk in question is branded "MooTopia." The Mongoloid dumbasses good folks at H-E-B claim it's far superior to standard divinely ordained milk. Quoth H-E-B:
Compared to traditional whole milk, H-E-B’s MooTopia features 60 percent less sugar, 35 percent more calcium, 75 percent more protein, 4 grams of carbs, is enhanced with vitamins A and D and lactose free.
Pretty impressive for something you squeeze out of a four-pack of teats. Unfortunately, selling precision-engineered dairy products is the only thing H-E-B is good at. In addition to tempting the Lord, commissioning horribly written press releases and parking 18-wheelers on my route home from work, H-E-B operates a large chain of crappy supermarkets. The executives at H-E-B (the B stands for Butt, seriously) have devised a unique business model, combining the following elements:
  • Bad store layout featuring offset aisles, so you have to make two 90-degree turns to stay in an aisle;
  • An array of products narrow enough to make an East Berliner feel right at home;
  • Shiftless, apathetic employees;
  • Shopping carts built in such a way that my feet hit the underside of the cart with every stride;
  • Lots of dirt and clutter; and
  • Enraged customers
H-E-B's site proclaims that the company is celebrating its 100th anniversary. I urge H-E-B's management to mark the occasion by ceasing operations immediately and turning the location nearest me into something more pleasant, like a chemical weapons depot, hog farm or pentitentiary. I appreciate the company's philanthropy, but the executives could do a lot more for the community by leaving it. I doubt I'll ever enter an H-E-B store again without criminal intent. I hope someone at H-E-B reads this post and communicates my concerns to the brass. Ordinarily I'd fill out a comment card, but my friendly neighborhood H-E-B location's comment cards are printed exclusively in Spanish. Cabrones.


At 9/08/2005 3:48 PM, Blogger ghost_of_fdr said...

Dude, chill with the rants about Mongoloids at HEB and suggestion cards printed in Spanish. Do you even know what a Mongoloid is? Are you making fun of the mentally retarded, or just people who white people would describe as looking like what they think Mongolians look like? The term is frankly offensive. And as for Spanish comment cards, big whoop, write your comment in the blank space. Its not Rocket Science. Do you think its easier for the non-English speaker to have to go through life in America with 90% of the signs and forms in English only??? Don't be such a crybaby. Oh, and about your entire general HEB rant, most of your complaints apply to just about every major grocery store. The only exceptions would be the higher-end grocery stores, where you generally find a more pleasant layout and employees with better attitudes. You also pay like 4 times as much for essentially the same food items. I guess you get what you pay for, amigo.

At 9/08/2005 4:14 PM, Blogger Matt said...

Yes, I know what a Mongoloid is. It refers to either a member of the Asian race, or someone with Down syndrome. I clearly meant the latter.

How is it making fun of the mentally retarded by comparing them to H-E-B employees? Are you suggesting that H-E-B personnel are even less intelligent than the mentally retarded? Clearly, I wasn't making fun of retarded people. I was making fun of the meatheads at H-E-B.

In fact, "making fun" isn't even the right term. Baseball is fun. Rollercoasters are fun. H-E-B is a hellish nightmare of incompetence.

As for the comment cards: I wasn't bitching that H-E-B offered comment cards in Spanish. I think that's great, and I hope Spanish-speaking folks take advantage of them. I was bitching because there were not any comment cards in English. Yes, I'm sure it's hard for a Spanish-speaking person to get by when 90% of the signs are in English. It's even harder for an English-speaking person to complain when 100% of the complaint mechanisms are in Spanish.

My complaints do not apply to Kroger or Randalls, the other two stores I frequent. Both of those stores have nice straight aisles, products actually in stock, and prices comparable to H-E-B's. In fact, I found higher prices at H-E-B on a couple of the items I purchased.The top shelves at Randalls and Kroger stores feature neatly arranged products, not unappealing cardboard cartons full of whatever.

At 9/19/2005 8:59 AM, Blogger FrauBudgie said...

Heck, you're making fair comments about H-E-B!!!

But, have you tried their little canned peas -- pretty darn good!

At 10/18/2005 5:43 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Sorry Matt, but I think you're on crack.

H-E-B is head and shoulders above any of the Kroger or Randalls anywhere near where I live.

I know not all H-E-B's are the best, but I consistently have more frustrations at Kroger and Randalls. Don't condemn the entire chain because you don't like the one near you.

At 10/18/2005 6:01 PM, Blogger Matt said...

I would agree, except I've found other HEB stores to be even worse. The one I was talking about is in the Royal Oaks area, on Westheimer at Kirkwood. It's one of their new, "nicer" stores.

I've also been to the store at Memorial and Dairy Ashford, and that was a big stinker, too. It had the same problems I talked about earlier, plus it was just really dirty.

As for the crack...wanna buy a VCR? Two dollars.

At 10/19/2005 10:20 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Wow! I actually like that particular H-E-B. It's very close to my sister-in-law's house, so I shop there on a semi-regular basis.

It's obvious we have somewhat different expectations of a grocery store. 90 degree turns don't bother me. In fact, I never even thought about it.

My wife likes H-E-B also. She's an extreme dirt/germophobe. She doesn't see where you are coming from with the 'dirty' store comment.

Which makes me wonder, can you come clean my house? Because it would probably be the cleanest it's ever been given your sensitivity to dirt. :-)

At 10/19/2005 10:23 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

I wanna know who designs HEB parking lots. Those darn things are a trap in and of themselves: once you get in, you can't get out. And several near misses due to narrow lanes and poor visibility are practically guaranteed.

My local HEBs suck. My local Randall's suck. Especially since Safeway bought them. Interesting that Safeway is closing several stores in the Houston area.

At 10/21/2005 12:24 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

I would shop at HEB any day over any other grocery store (xcept Whole Foods or Central Market). Kroger blows. Randall's blows (ever since the takeover). And that one that started with an A (store was so bad that I blocked the name out)-blowed too.

We could be shopping at Piggly Wiggly, so count your good fortune.

At 10/21/2005 7:29 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Anyone who shops at HEB is a moron. Enough said.


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