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Monday, December 05, 2005

Nuclear holocaust? Bring it on!

During hurricane season, I kept putting off buying supplies. The stores were nuts, and I'm just not a big fan of navigating all that crap. But today I figured now's as a good a time as any to actualize the Boy Scout Motto. So I embarked on a Mattsapundit Emergency Management Agency trek to my friendly neighborhood Wal-Mart, where I grabbed a big plastic tub, and rolled through the aisles, shoveling in items that might prove useful during the aftermath of a hurricane/flood/nuclear exchange/Detroit Pistons victory celebration.
Food: -Spam (for optimal sodium levels) -Fruit, canned (so I don't get the scurvy) -Chili (it's still Texas, even if it's post-apocalyptic Texas) -Stew (just like Mama used to make, before she was vaporized) -Peanuts, canned (high-energy salty goodness) -Pudding, vanilla (because chocolate pudding sucks) -Soup, chicken noodle (in case I have a post-apocalyptic cold) Water: -Spring, three gallons (nothing but the best) Tools & Stuff: -Knife -Twine (for tying stuff) -Rope, nylon (for field-expedient administration of justice) -Tape, duct (for miscellaneous taping and hostage-silencing uses) -Flashlight (for when the post-apocalyptic nuclear wasteland isn't glowing brightly) -Batteries (I know damn well how shitty CenterPoint is, even in pre-apocalyptic situations) -Ammunition, .22 and .40S&W (for dealing with varmints, looters and uncooperative insurance claims adjusters) -Gasoline, five gallons (for fueling Mattsapundit Mobile Command and burning the bodies of those lucky enough to have been killed in The Incident) -Openers, can and bottle -Pens and paper -Marker, Sharpie -Camera, disposable (for filling up the post-post-apocalyptic photo album) First Aid and Toiletries: -Band-Aids (for boo-boos) -Gauze (for more serious wounds) -Bandage, ace (for the inevitable post-apocalyptic sprains and strains) -BC Headache Powder (which cures everything) -Pepto-Bismol (for the dystentery likely to set in since I didn't buy enough water) -Peroxide, hydrogen (in case my wounds don't sting enough) -Soap, dish (for removing tough, baked-on radioactive grease) -Soap, people (ditto) -Toothbrush and toothpaste (for a gleaming, minty fresh post-apocalyptic smile) -Bleach (for...um...I really have no idea) -Trash bags, plastic
I realize that I've left off some things, which I've listed below:
-Battery-operated radio (for listening to the post-apocalyptic Dan Patrick Show) -Waterproof pouch for important documents -Beer -Tarp
I'm sure there are also things I don't realize I need (the "unknown unknowns," as Rummy would say) Any suggestions would be appreciated.

2 Comments:

At 12/06/2005 8:34 AM, Anonymous Anne said...

Plenty of margarita-making supplies.

Soft Batch cookies -- mmmmmmm!

 
At 12/06/2005 3:14 PM, Blogger Phelps said...

The bleach is to put off the use of pepto by treating the water that is glowing the least.

You might also want to add some tampons, for use by your woman slaves you gather as a post-apocalyptic warlord, or the bullet holes you acquire trying. Also, some deet and some bath towels in gallon ziplock bags. Actually, just add a lot of gallon ziplock bags. They are just as essential as duct tape.

 

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