Haikus for Centerpoint Energy

It happened again The electrons stopped flowing Vengeance will be mine

Turn the juice back on You dumbass jerkoff shitheads It's cold and it's dark

Centerpoint tells me "It's probably just a fuse" You call that service?

Gobble gobble gobble

Happy Thansgiving from all of us at Mattsapundit Central Command. Stay tuned, folks. Remember those changes I promised y'all a little while ago? They're coming, and from what I've seen so far, they're going to be pretty sweet.

AP issues alarmist story on detainees

Put on your Fisking caps, kids. This AP dispatch is just plain goofy:

The United States has detained more than 83,000 foreigners in the four years of the war on terror, enough to nearly fill the NFL's largest stadium.

Split infinitive aside, what's with that comparison? Why use a football stadium? Why not say "laid end to end, they would reach from New York to Mecca" or "Ground into a fine paste, they could pave 450 acres of parking lots?"

The number has steadily grown since the first CIA paramilitary officers touched down in Afghanistan in the fall of 2001, setting up more than 20 facilities including the "Salt Pit," an abandoned factory outside Kabul used for CIA detention and interrogation.

What's the matter, AP? You won't give us the freakin' address of the formerly-secret national security facility? And that's just the beginning of this story, which apparently seeks to prove the monkey/typewriter hypothesis.

Some 82,400 people have been detained by the military alone in Afghanistan and Iraq, according to figures from officials in Baghdad and Washington.

Earlier, the story attributes the increase to CIA involvement. Now the reporterette is saying that the CIA is only responsible for about 600 of the 83,000 detainees. It's likely that neither one of those explanations is correct, and they're both symptomatic of lazy reporting and unfamiliarity with arithmetic.

The detentions and interrogations have brought complaints from Congress and human-rights groups about how the detainees - often Arab and male - are treated.

Often male and Arab? Since when do AP writers stand up for the rights of the ruling majority?

Some 82,400 people have been detained by the military alone in Afghanistan and Iraq, according to figures from officials in Baghdad and Washington. Many are freed shortly after initial questioning.To put that in context, the capacity of the Washington Redskins' FedEx Field, the NFL's largest, is 91,704. The second largest, Giants Stadium, holds 80,242.

To put that in further context, these guys want to blow up EVERY NFL stadium.

In Iraq, the Defense Department says 5,569 detainees have been held for more than six months, and 3,801 have been held more than a year. Some 229 have been locked up for more than two years.

I have no idea why that passage was buried deeper in the story than the capacity of Giants Stadium.

Pentagon officials say those mistreated are relatively few when the sheer numbers are considered.

Last week, Senate Armed Services Chairman John Warner, R-Va., said that more than 400 criminal investigations have been conducted and 95 military personnel have been charged with misconduct.

400 investigations out of 83,000 prisoners. That's not "relatively few." That's less than one-half of one percent.

Through the CIA, a much smaller prison population is maintained secretly by the agency and friendly governments.

Was. WAS maintained secretly. Thanks, AP!

The agency consistently declines to comment.

That's because it's the CIA. Unlike the AP, intelligence agencies are there to protect national secrets, not spray them all over the newspapers.

Among them, Khalid Shaikh Mohammed, an alleged mastermind of the 9/11 attacks.

That one isn't even a complete sentence.

Terrorists declare intent to conquer world for Islam

At least they're being honest:

One of the radical groups operating on the Temple Mount is Hizab Altahrir (The Islamic Liberation Party), which espouses an ideology similar to Al Qaeda. Hizab Altahrir’s network spans most Western European countries.

A senior party activist in Jerusalem, Sheikh Issam Amira, expressed this philosophy in a recent speech which he made on the Temple Mount: “Listeners! The Moslems in Denmark make up three percent [of the population], yet constitute a threat to the future of the Danish kingdom. It’s no surprise that in Bitrab (the ancient name of Medina, a city in Arabia to which Mohammed immigrated) they were fewer than three percent of the general population, but succeeded changing the regime in Bitrab. “It’s no surprise that our brothers in Denmark have succeeded in bringing Islam to every home in that country. Allah will grant us victory in their land to establish the [Islamic] revolution in Denmark.”

Sheikh Riyad Salah, head of the Islamic movement in Israel has also been active teaching the tenets of “Islamic revolution.” “We are at the gates of the Islamic revolution,” he proclaims in his sermons to Arab citizens of Israel. “The global forces of evil will be eliminated from the world and the Islamic nation will remain in place in order to bring about the world Islamic revolution, with its capital, Jerusalem.”

What's the timeframe for all this? Pretty soon:

The youth were greeted by party members who shouted, “Next year in Jerusalem, under the rule of the Islamic revolution.”

Please explain to me why these animals deserve a state.

[Hat-tip: Jihad Watch]

Gore: Warming more serious than terrorism

Al Gore recently took time out of his busy day to remind America how lucky we are that he's not president:

"What changed in the US with hurricane Katrina was a feeling that we have entered a period of consequences and that bitter cup will be offered to us again and again until we exert our moral authority and respond appropriately," he says. "I don't want to diminish the threat of terrorism at all, it is extremely serious, but on a long-term global basis, global warming is the most serious problem we are facing."

Al? You there, buddy? Pay very close attention. Let's assume, just for a moment, that "global warming" is real, and it is a man-made phenomenon. U.S.-style global warming looks like this:

Yay!

Al-Qaeda-style global warming looks like this:

Boo!

Comprende?

From the 'Glad It Wasn't Me' File

This just might be the most screwed-up story of the day:

Thai police are warning tourists of a new scam. Members of a Thai transvestite gang have confessed to hiding strong sedatives in their mouths and spitting them down the throats of victims during deep kissing. Then they rob the drugged tourists. The confession came from three attractive transvestites arrested in Bangkok last week. Police say they'd robbed a Bangladeshi businessman of more than $7,300 in cash and valuables. Police say the victim told investigators he met the transvestites in a bar and invited them all back to his apartment. After kissing one, he said he felt dizzy and passed out. When he woke up, his cash, watch, mobile phone and notebook computer were gone.

I know I say this all the time, but apparently some people don't listen, so I'll say it again: DO NOT KISS YOUR THAI TRANSVESTITE HOOKER ON THE MOUTH.

BENZION ADDS-- You will recall that those very words are printed at the top of Page 2 in the LoneStarTimes.com employee manual. Which is one of the many reasons we've been able to keep our health-care costs so low.

Does anyone read this stuff before press time?

The Chron's house editorial displays a stunningly good (for the Chron editors) understanding of economics. At least at the beginning. Unfortunately, the wheels fall off near the end, when the editorial board makes its recommendation about how Big EEEEVIL Oil can best help hurricane victims:

Houston's safety net for the neediest residents is torn and stressed — by curbs on federal and state spending and by eroded corporate giving. Now is the time for energy companies, whose profits derive from high prices that many residents can ill-afford, to meet the high post-hurricane social needs by increasing the level of their giving.

Okay, I'm listening. How, Oh Mighty Editorial Olympians, should oil companies help the downtrodden in the aftermath of Katrina?

Houston's fine arts organizations have had to tighten their belts in recent years as corporate support declined. Some, whose loss would be calamitous for a city with global ambitions, are struggling to survive. Flush energy companies have an opportunity to make up lost ground through endowments and operational funding. One way would be to subsidize the museum, theater and concert attendance of low-income families, whose members are in sore need of the inspiration and catharsis the fine arts supply.

Are these guys freaking kidding? Just about everything in that paragraph is dead wrong. Let's analyze it, sentence by sentence:

Houston's fine arts organizations have had to tighten their belts in recent years as corporate support declined.

That's crap. As the Chronicle reported in February, the Museum of Fine Arts got the biggest donation ever made to an art museum. Meanwhile, the Houston Grand Opera described its latest fundraising campaign as a "stunning success."

Some, whose loss would be calamitous for a city with global ambitions, are struggling to survive.

I guess the editors got tired of the phrase "world-class."

Flush energy companies have an opportunity to make up lost ground through endowments and operational funding.

They already do that, more than any other industry. Take a look at the donor list of any arts instutition, and its a veritable Who's Who of the Houston energy sector.

One way would be to subsidize the museum, theater and concert attendance of low-income families, whose members are in sore need of the inspiration and catharsis the fine arts supply.

How out of touch can you get? Find a low-income family who fled to Houston from Hurricane Katrina, and ask them what they need to get back on their feet. I'll bet you dollars to doughnuts that artistic catharsis doesn't crack the Top 100.

So screwed up on so many different levels...

I'm dumbfounded:

Don't let the antics of the pathetically delusional Mary Mapes distract you from the lunatics who haven't yet been canned from the network that gave us both the tinfoil-hat–wearing Walter Cronkite and the propagandizing buffoon known simply as the Dan. NewsBusters reports on a milestone in tastelessness achieved by Bruce Rheins, the producer behind CBS's coverage of the Michael Jackson trial, who has marketed a wine under the brand "Jesus Juice." The logo apparently represents a cross between Jesus Christ and Michael Jackson.

As you'll recall, "Jesus Juice" is allegedly what the King of Pop called the wine he plied little kids with before raping them.

Rheins' wife got the marketing campaign running while Jackson's child molestation case was still in court. They made Jesus Juice t-shirts and other items too. As NewsBusters observes:

Rheins's marketing of Jesus Juice wine (and apparel) raises some troubling journalistic issues since he was attempting to profit from a story which he was personally covering for the "CBS Evening News."

Romney backs off from Klan joke

This is just dumb all around:

Republican Gov. Mitt Romney was introduced as head of a state run by the "KKK ... the Kerry, Kennedy Klan" before a speech Thursday in Washington, words that sparked criticism from Massachusetts Democrats and a rebuke from Romney himself.

"It's not appropriate to joke about the Ku Klux Klan," Romney said in a phone interview from Washington after his luncheon address to the Federalist Society.

Romney branded the remarks "ill-advised" and "inappropriate."

Romney laughed along with the audience, The Boston Globe reported in a story for Friday's edition, and thanked the speaker for "a very generous introduction."

State Democratic Party chairman Phil Johnston, who has criticized Romney for making Massachusetts the butt of jokes as a liberal bastion during his out-of-state travel as he considers a run for president, said he was outraged that Romney could find any humor in the remarks referring to Sens. Edward Kennedy and John Kerry invoking the KKK.

Johnston is absolutely right. How dare this guy compare Massachusetts Democrats to the KKK? That dubious distinction goes to a certain West Virginia Democrat:

"Rather I should die a thousand times, and see Old Glory trampled in the dirt never to rise again, than to see this beloved land of ours become degraded by race mongrels, a throwback to the blackest specimen from the wilds." --Sen. Robert Byrd (D-W.Va.)

Vets to be honored at Aeros game

Thanks to ubertipster Byron for passing this one along. This is an email from Tom Stallings of the Houston Aeros:

We have our veteran's day celebration [tonight] and are hosting any active duty or reserve serviceman at our game [tonight] thanks to season ticket holder and sponsor donations. We currently have filled all requests for tickets that we know of, but have additional season ticket holders wishing to contribute. Do you know any current or distinguished retired service members who would like to attend the game [tonight] at no charge? We will be saluting veterans throughout the game.

If you know of any vet who deserves to see a free hockey game, drop Tom a line at tstallings@aeros.com.

Veterans put on parade in Downtown Houston

If you've got the day off, why not head downtown? Sure, you'll have to dodge panhandlers and MetroRail killing machines, but you'll also get a chance to honor Houston-area veterans:

On Friday, November 11, 2005, Mayor Bill White and the City of Houston will show support of the Armed Forces as we celebrate the 7th Annual Houston Salutes American Heroes Veteran’s Day Commemoration and Parade. We anticipate that thousands of members of the Houston-area military and veterans organizations will participate in the event to honor those who served our country. Commemoration at 10 a.m. in front of City Hall, parade at 11:30 a.m.

The parade will start at the corner of Smith and Texas. The Chron has a map.

It's Veterans Day!

In honor of Veteran's Day, allow me to quote from one of the great moments in American cinematic history:

We're all very different people. We're not Watusi. We're not Spartans. We're Americans! With a capital A, huh?

There's something wrong with us, something very, very wrong with us. Something seriously wrong with us. We're soldiers!

But we're American soldiers! We've been kicking ass for 200 years! We're 10 and 1!

There are a lot of things I like about writing for LST. But my favorite thing is this: I don't have to write it in Spanish, German, Japanese, Russian or Arabic. Thanks, vets, from all of us at Mattsapundit. Happy Veterans Day!

'Here's health to you and to our Corps...'

Today marks the 230th birthday of the United States Marine Corps.

On this date in 1775, the Continental Congress authorized the first units of Marines, who quickly got busy in the tyranny-overthrow business. They've been the industry leader ever since.

In 1921, Maj. Gen. John A. Lejeune, Commandant of the Marine Corps, issued Order No. 47, which is read to every Marine unit worldwide on November 10:

The following will be read to the command on the 10th of November, 1921, and hereafter on the 10th of November every year. Should the order not be received by the 10th of November, 1921, it will be read upon receipt. (1) On November 10, 1775, a Corps of Marines was created by a resolution of the Continental Congress. Since that date many thousand men have borne the name "Marine." In memory of them, it is fitting that we who are Marines should commemorate the birthday of our Corps by calling to mind the glories of its long and illustrious history. (2) The record of our Corps is one which will bear comparison with that of the most famous military organizations in the world's history. During 90 of the 146 years of its existence the Marine Corps has been in action against the Nation's foes. From the Battle of Trenton to the Argonne, Marines have won foremost honors in war, and in the long eras of tranquility at home, generation after generation of Marines have grown gray in war in both hemispheres and in every corner of the seven seas, that our country and its citizens might enjoy peace and security. (3) In every battle and skirmish since the birth of our Corps, Marines have acquitted themselves with the greatest distinction, winning new honors on each occasion until the term "Marine" has come to signify all that is highest in military efficiency and soldierly virtue. (4) This high name of distinction and soldierly repute we who are Marines today have received from those who have preceded us in the Corps. With it we have also received from them the eternal spirit which has animated our Corps from generation to generation and has been the distinguishing mark of the Marines in every age. So long as that spirit continues to flourish Marines will be found equal to every emergency in the future as they have been in the past, and the men of our Nation will regard us as worthy successors to the long line of illustrious men who have served as "Soldiers of the Sea" since the founding of the Corps.

Happy birthday, Marines!

CNN: Muslim rioters are 'African-American'

Jack Kelly over at Irish Pennants nails it:

CNN's Carol Linn is an idiot She described the two Muslim teenagers whose accidental electrocution Oct. 27th ignited the rioting in France as "African-Americans."

"It's been 11 days since two African-American teenagers were killed, electrocuted during a police chase, which prompted all of this."--CNN anchorman Carol Lin, Nov. 6

Note to CNN: Words mean things. Write that down.

Canadian psych hospital promotes patient sex

Remember all those Hollywood crazies who threatened to move to Canada if Bush won re-election? Well, maybe they were on to something:

A psychiatric hospital in Quebec has initiated a program to facilitate patient's sexual relations, by providing them with private rooms equipped with beds, television, and on-demand pornographic videos and magazines. LifeSiteNews.com spoke with University of Laval-associated Centre Hospitalier Robert-Giffard's director of communications, Catherine Lassard, who confirmed the program, emphasizing it was a hospital-initiated measure. The trial run will allow 60 patients access to the program and if successful, be made available to all 700 residents in six months time. Nicole-Gagnon, the hospital's ombudswoman and the person responsible for the program, told the Toronto Sun that "By facilitating patients' sexual relations, we want to make sex a positive rather than a negative experience."

Yeah, free on-demand porn and sex with fellow crazy people. That oughta cure 'em.

[Hat-tip: Relapsed Catholic]

Matthew F. Bramanti's Rules to Live By, #277

Any piece of content that includes the phrase "Louisville fuckin' Slugger" has a very, very good chance of not sucking.

China convicts 3 for printing Bibles

This is sickening:

A Chinese court on Tuesday sentenced a Protestant minister, his wife and her brother to prison terms of up to three years for illegally printing Bibles and other Christian publications, one of their lawyers said. The conviction of house church minister Cai Zhuohua, 34, and his family by the Beijing People's Intermediate Court came days before U.S. President George W. Bush arrives for a state visit.

It's sad what the Chinese government pushes people to:

A fourth defendant, Hu Jinyun, Xiao Gaowen's wife, was exempted from criminal punishment on charges of "secretly storing illegal goods" because she made contributions by informing against her sister-in-law, the lawyer quoted the verdict as saying.

Here's my favorite part, though:

The prosecutor, in the bill of indictment, accused the defendants of illegally printing 200,000 copies of the Bible which were found in Cai's warehouse but the verdict did not mention a figure. In July, Hong Kong's Beijing-funded Ta Kung Pao newspaper quoted Ye Xiaowen, director of the State Bureau of Religious Affairs, as saying Cai illegally printed 40 million copies of the Bible and other Christian publications.

So the guy was able to subvert the Chinese with 99.5% success. Sweet.

Election 2005: VOTE!

Tomorrow is Election Day. Whether you're a school-lunch-slashing, puppy-stomping conservative reactionary or an America-hating, granola-munching bleeding-heart liberal, this is when it counts.

Click on the proper county to find your polling place:

• Harris
• Fort Bend
• Waller
• Montgomery
• Galveston
• Brazoria

Vote!

Vatican official defends evolution theory

In the whole debate over evolution vs. creation, a third possibility has been widely overlooked: the notion that they're not mutually exclusive. It's always seemed perfectly plausible to me that God may have set evolution in motion, knowing where it would end up. Or maybe He gave evolution little divine nudges over millions of years.

I've just never bought into the idea that either evolution or "poof"-style creation tells the whole story. Rome isn't buying it either:

The Vatican has issued a stout defence of Charles Darwin, voicing strong criticism of Christian fundamentalists who reject his theory of evolution and interpret the biblical account of creation literally. Cardinal Paul Poupard, head of the Pontifical Council for Culture, said the Genesis description of how God created the universe and Darwin's theory of evolution were "perfectly compatible" if the Bible were read correctly.

"The fundamentalists want to give a scientific meaning to words that had no scientific aim," he said at a Vatican press conference. He said the real message in Genesis was that "the universe didn't make itself and had a creator". This idea was part of theology, Cardinal Poupard emphasised, while the precise details of how creation and the development of the species came about belonged to a different realm - science. Cardinal Poupard said that it was important for Catholic believers to know how science saw things so as to "understand things better".

Catholic readers might want to take a look at Fides et Ratio, Pope John Paul II's 1998 encyclical dealing with the relationship between faith and reason.

Numa Numa Redux and much, much more

Fans of LST will recall that we've closely followed the Numa Numa Saga as it progressed from Internet novelty to mainstream pop culture to Edd Hendee's morning show. Well we're still on the ball, closely monitoring the Internet's disturbingly prolific dancing scene. Here are the late-breaking developments:

• More Numa, bird flu-style, thanks to an anonymous tip from Squawkbox.
• Two Chinese Backstreet Boys, via MeMo.
• Officer down! Well, officer getting down, anyway.

Have a good weekend, folks.

Dangerous killer still on the loose

ESCAPED.

Sorry I haven't gotten to this before now, but there's an escaped murderer on the streets, and he has nothing to lose:

Authorities continued to scour downtown Houston and the surrounding areas late Thursday for a death row convict who used a fake badge and a change of clothes to walk out of the Harris County Jail's Baker Street facility. Charles Victor Thompson, 35, convicted in the shooting deaths of his ex-girlfriend and her boyfriend in 1998, escaped about 3:30 p.m. while being held inside the high-security J Pod unit at the County Jail at 1200 Baker, officials said. Thompson, described as 5' 11" and weighing approximately 230 pounds, was last seen wearing a dark blue shirt, khaki pants and white tennis shoes. Sheriff's officials said Thompson may be in a gray-colored 2003 Nissan Frontier truck with Texas license plate 8WLX62. The truck is listed in an online database of motor vehicle records as belonging to his father, Stephen R. Thompson III, 59, of Tomball.

He's also got a hit list. On a completely unrelated note, I found a sweet "intelligent bullet" the other day.

VodkaPundit nails it: 'Boobs and bombs'

Steven Green of VodkaPundit points out a story in the Sacramento Bee:

Mendocino County women who have been baring their breasts at various venues to protest the war in Iraq are in Sacramento federal court seeking an order prohibiting the California Highway Patrol from arresting them during a planned noon demonstration Monday at the Capitol.

The women's group, Breasts Not Bombs, is suing CHP Commissioner Mike Brown and two of his officers over a warning that if the women demonstrate while topless, they will be arrested and charged with indecent exposure and disorderly conduct.

And now for some VodkaPunditry:

Seriously, though, the police need to cool it - and the women need a buy a clue. If they wonder why a misogynist culture wants to blow up Americans, maybe someday they'll understand that protests like these are part of the reason.

Me, I'm a big fan of breasts. Which is why the answer is and must be "boobs and bombs."

Amen.

Is Castro buying off Latin America?

It looks like Cuban dictator Fidel Castro is trying to buy off Latin American democracies and convert them into fellow socialist paradises, according to Investor's Business Daily:

Brazilians are rightly angry over allegations of illegal campaign donations from Fidel Castro. True or not, they coincide with an alarming weakness in foreign policy that benefits the Cuban dictator. Was there a connection? We wonder for two reasons. First, Castro in recent years has aggressively sought influence across Latin America on a scale not seen since the 1960s. Second, Brazil has been oddly passive in response.

We've already noted how Castro has cranked up pork-barrel spending in Brazil's neighbor, Bolivia, in the heat of its own presidential campaign. The largess is conditioned on votes for Castro's favored candidate, Evo Morales, who wants to nationalize Bolivia's energy. If Morales wins, the biggest victim of his expropriations will be Brazil's state oil firm, Petrobras, which supplies a major part of Brazil's economic powerhouse, the Sao Paulo region, with natural gas. Petrobras' investment is so large it makes up 20% of Bolivia's economy.

With its interests threatened, Brazil should have the diplomatic muscle to force Castro and his allies to back off. But for some reason, it's held back, choosing silence when what's required is leadership.

I know we've got some astute oil types and risk-analyst types in the crowd. What do y'all think? I know this sounds scary, but how plausible is it?

[Hat-tip: Byron]

Gimme gimme gimme!

Ladies and gentlemen, I just came across an amazingly great t-shirt that y'all desperately need to see buy for me:

He kinda looks like Benzion.

Here's the text:

Oh hell yes. Anyone who would like to reward my long hours, hard work and single-minded diligence on behalf of the voiceless, feel free to email me. In addition to t-shirts, I also accept alcohol, tobacco and firearms.

GOP discusses major immigration reform

This is pretty huge:

House Republicans are looking closely at ending birthright citizenship and building a barrier along the entire U.S.-Mexico border as they search for solutions to illegal immigration.

"There is a general agreement about the fact that citizenship in this country should not be bestowed on people who are the children of folks who come into this country illegally," said Rep. Tom Tancredo, Colorado Republican, who is participating in the "unity dinners," the group of Republicans trying to find consensus on immigration.

Amen to that! However, they're going to try and change this by statute. Seems to me that the 14th amendment is pretty clear:

All persons born or naturalized in the United States, and subject to the jurisdiction thereof, are citizens of the United States

But we're still -- unfortunately -- in the very early stages of this debate, so we'll see how it pans out. Meanwhile, Republicans are also kicking around the idea of a border fence or other barrier:

At this week's "unity dinner," House Speaker J. Dennis Hastert, Illinois Republican, said he supports a barrier system of fences in some places and electronic surveillance or vehicle barriers in others, one participant said. Mr. Hastert's spokesman said the speaker would not talk about the private meetings.

Come on, Mr. Speaker! This is the kind of bold initiative that Republican voters want! They don't want to see wishy-washy "we'll look into it" proposals. They want decisive action! At least put a mention about the idea on your little blog!

Chirac sounds off on Muslim violence in France

Let's hear from French president Jacques Chirac on the Muslim punks who are hard at work burning Paris:

"Please, stop zee violence! We surrendare!"

Thanks, Jacques.

Chron reports on oil profit debate

Heaven knows that Mattsapundit personnel rip on the Chronicle now and then, but we also like to point out when they get something right, and this is one of those times.

In a business piece about oil company profits, our beloved hometown rag provided a pretty good balance:

Exxon Mobil Corp. alone rang up a $9.9 billion profit. Whether Exxon and its competitors will be able to persuade the public their earnings aren't really so huge remains to be seen. "You make nearly $10 billion in a quarter, and you're making more than number of Fortune 500 companies put together," noted Ed Rothschild, a longtime energy industry critic in Washington.

The story then turns to Exxon Mobil's point:

For their part, the oil companies have been trying to make the case their earnings aren't out of line. Exxon Mobil has taken out ads in major daily newspapers comparing oil and gas company earnings with other sectors. An ad headline "Oil and Apples," features a chart that shows pharmaceutical companies, banks, software firms and tobacco giants all earning more pennies on the dollar than energy companies. The ad shows energy companies earning 7.7 cents per dollar of revenue, and Exxon Mobil 8.6 cents, versus 7.9 cents for U.S. industry overall. With "a true 'apples to apples' evaluation — you see that oil earnings are not out of step with other major industries," the ad reads.

How about that?

Michael Moore owns Halliburton shares

This one pegged my Hypocritical-Scumbag-O-Meter:

I don't own a single share of stock!" filmmaker Michael Moore proudly proclaimed. He's right. He doesn't own a single share. He owns tens of thousands of shares – including nearly 2,000 shares of Boeing, nearly 1,000 of Sonoco, more than 4,000 of Best Foods, more than 3,000 of Eli Lilly, more than 8,000 of Bank One and more than 2,000 of Halliburton, the company most vilified by Moore in "Fahrenheit 9/11."

Silly me. I thought he invested all his money in Twinkies. [Hat-tip: Relapsed Catholic]

9th Circuit rules for schools, against parents

Hey there, Mr. and Mrs. MattsapunditReader and Parent of Impressionable Children! Would you have a problem if an agent of local government mandated that your first-grader take a psychological quiz to find out about his sexual activities? Tough! The Ninth Circuit Court of Appeals has issued its latest in a long series of disturbing rulings, saying that parents have no right to keep public schools from discussing masturbation with six-year-olds:

Parents' rights were not violated when a Southern California elementary school conducted a psychological survey of their children and asked them about sexual feelings and masturbation, a federal appeals court ruled Wednesday.

"Parents have a right to inform their children when and as they wish on the subject of sex,'' said Judge Stephen Reinhardt in the 3-0 ruling. "They have no constitutional right, however, to prevent a public school from providing its students with whatever information it wishes to provide, sexual or otherwise.''

I'll leave it to LST's resident legal eagles to dissect the legal ramifications of this case, but it doesn't look good. The list of Catholic schools' advantages over government schools gets longer and longer every day. [Hat-tip: The Everlasting Phelps]

Wall of boobs to help confused bra shoppers

I just can't resist a story containing the words "wall of fake breasts":

A Dutch designer has created a wall of fake breasts to help male shoppers buy bras that fit their wives or girlfriends. Wendy Rameckers works at the Piet Zwart Institute for Retail and Design in Rotterdam, reports Het Nieuwsblad. "Most men have a selective memory," she explained. "They know all about their car, but never seem to know their wife's bra size. "When trying to buy a sexy bra for their wife or girlfriend, usually they point to other women in the shop or, when asked about size, they say a 'handful'." The wall consists of rows of silicon breasts in all sizes. By look and touch, male shoppers can work out the right size, she says.

Huh huh. Huh huh huh.

House votes to regulate Internet speech

Remember that pesky First Amendment? It's understandable if you've forgotton. Here's my favorite part:

Congress shall make no law...abridging the freedom of speech, or of the press

Unfortunately, annoying little things like the Constitution didn't stop the House from...well, making a law abridging the freedom of speech:

The House voted 225-182 for a bill that would have excluded blogs, e-mails and other Internet communications from regulation by the Federal Election Commission. That was 47 votes short of the two-thirds majority needed under a procedure that limited debate time and allowed no amendments. The vote in effect clears the way for the FEC to move ahead with court-mandated rule-making to govern political speech and campaign spending on the Internet.

At least we've got a Texan on our side -- Rep. Jeb Hensarling, who represents part of the D-FW metroplex:

"The newest battlefield in the fight to protect the First Amendment is the Internet," he said. "The Internet is the new town square, and campaign finance regulations are not appropriate there." Without his legislation, Hensarling said, "I fear that bloggers one day could be fined for improperly linking to a campaign Web site, or merely forwarding a candidate's press release to an e-mail list."

The bill is HR 1601. Make sure to include that bill number on your placards when you descend on Washington in a marauding horn. Also, the phrase "Keep your filthy hooves off Mattsapundit" would be good. Make sure the cameras see it.

Casey breezes through USMC marathon

Cpl. Casey Owens, Superstud.

As anyone who listens to Edd Hendee knows, Marine Cpl. Casey Owens is near and dear to the KSEV, Lone Star Times and Mattsapundit families. For those of you who don't know, the man -- a Houstonian -- is a living miracle. After 9/11, he left college to join the Marine Corps. Last fall, while on a mission to rescue a wounded comrade, Casey's Humvee hit a mine, peppering the young Marine with shrapnel, breaking his jaw and collarbone and shattering both legs, which later had to be amputated. Since then, the guy's been a nonstop dynamo. Over the weekend, he ran a marathon in just over two and a half hours. With his freakin' HANDS:

Casey Owens completed his first marathon yesterday, which is always a tremendous accomplishment. But it was especially so for Owens, who just over a year ago was injured in an antitank mine explosion in Iraq. As he crossed the Marine Corps Marathon finish line, the 24-year-old Marine corporal from Houston was mobbed by well-wishers, including Marine Commandant Michael Hagee. "It went great," Owens said. "It was a lot more fun than I thought it would be, a lot more enjoyable. I couldn't imagine a better marathon." Owens was the first Marine in a wheelchair to cross the finish line. Because he forgot to wear his timing chip, he did not receive an official time; however, he estimated that he finished in 2 hours 32 minutes. Not bad for a guy who hadn't used a handcrank chair until a month ago. "Pushing myself around in a wheelchair that was my training, and being a Marine," said Owens, who had his left leg amputated below his knee and his right leg amputated above his knee.

What's next for Casey? Well, apparently he's feeling pretty good about his prosthetic legs:

Owens, who has been rehabilitating at Walter Reed Military Hospital the past year, started walking about a month ago. He would like to run the marathon next year.

Is this guy human? Does anything faze him? Aha! He has a complaint about the race!

"It wasn't as hard as I thought it would be," Owens said. "It was too short. I got to Mile 20 and was like it's going to be over too soon."

WOW. It wouldn't suprise me if he tapdances blindfolded through next year's race while juggling Dumpsters. Casey, congratulations from Mattsapundit. You represent the very pinnacle of fortitude, persistence and cojones. You're a credit to your city, country and Corps, and we're all proud of you.

Drudge runs MoDo caption contest

New York Times columnistette Maureen Dowd was quite pissy and lonely this weekend, as evidenced by her 5,000-word essay lamenting the fact that women are picking femininity over feminism. You know how emotional broads can be.

Matt Drudge, of flashy police light fame, responds with a MoDo caption contest. I'm stealing it and posting it here:

"You know what they say about guys with big feet..."

Leave your suggestions in the comments. Also, feel free to speculate on her cocktail of choice.

This is what we're up against

This is what they do to 8-year-olds who steal bread in Iran. [WARNING: Disturbing photos.]

[Hat-tip: Lou Minatti]

Crusader pig says 'Don't be a Dhimmi!'

Risawn has a brilliant idea for a t-shirt, sure to offend those who would impose Sharia on Western democracies:

Crusader pig!

Hopefully, she could print up stickers with scratch-and-sniff bacon flavoring. Mmm...

Like Dubya? You're a wife-beating, gun-toting nut!

At least that's what Cragg Hines thinks. In today's column, the Chron political columnist tries to paint Supreme Court nominee Sam Alito as a far-right-wing wacko, while slapping the president's supporters with the same brush:

IF you like machine guns, you'll love Sam Alito.

Nice to know we're starting off with a good, healthy dose of rabid fear-mongering.

In upholding a restrictive Pennsylvania abortion law in 1991, even the increasingly conservative 3rd Circuit refused to go along with one of the legislatively approved provisions: to require a woman to notify her spouse, in almost all instances, before an abortion. To emphasize his position, Alito wrote a dissent to spell out his approval of the spousal-notice section. The Supreme Court said on review that the provision would impermissibly give a man "the kind of dominion over his wife that parents exercise over their children." So, all you women who want to be ordered about like the kids, sit down right now and urge your senator to get aboard the Alito bandwagon.

But what's that compared to a president's need to restore his political health with about the only constituency that's sticking with him amid a mounting death toll in Iraq, an energy crisis and the indictment of Republican chums Tom DeLay and Scooter Libby?

Got that? 43% of American adults are machine-gun-toting, spouse-stomping extremists. Probably racist, sexist, homophobic evangelical Christian supremicists, too. But at least those 43% don't print ethnic slurs in major metropolitan newspapers:

Alito, a rock star to conservatives who scuttled Bush's nomination of Harriet Miers, is so in the mold of Justice Antonin Scalia, Bush's archetype of a supposedly strict-constructionist justice, that he's known as "Scalito" � little Scalia or Scalia lite.