Judge bans probationer from having sex

Here's something you don't see everyday.

No sex. That's part of a sentence imposed on a 17-year-old girl by Texas state district judge Lauri Blake. She's ordered the young drug offender not have sex as long as she is living with her parents and attending school, as a condition of her probation. It is one of several unorthodox rulings Judge Lauri Blake has imposed since she was elected 10 months ago in the district court that covers Fannin and Grayson counties. She has also prohibited tattoos, body piercings, earrings and clothing "associated with the drug culture" for those on probation.

Good for the judge, though it's unfortunate that she's having to do things the parents should've done all along. Wait, there's more:

Lawyers are also subject to her rulings. Blake has told female attorneys not to wear sleeveless shirts or show cleavage in her courtroom.

Forget everything I just said. This judge is a heartless monster whose warped perception of justice threatens the well-being of the state. She must be stopped.

This is why I love folks from New Orleans

While New Orleans residents worked to get the Big Easy back up and running, Reuters went to the coonass man on the street:

"If they don't get these businesses going again, the city ain't going to have any money," said Art Depodesta, part owner of the restaurant and bar Cooter Brown's. "I want to be the first to open in Uptown." Workers busily scrubbed everything with bleach and Depodesta said he tossed away about $10,000 worth of rotten food. "It was nasty. The oyster cooler, well, the dead bodies I saw got nothing on that oyster cooler," he said. "The time for all the 'woe, woe, woe is me' business is over. It's time to get going."

New Orleans is going to be just fine.

FOUND! Chron reader rep wanders back home

Take down the roadblocks and call off the bloodhounds. James T. Campbell, the missing Chronicle reader representative, is alive and well. Yesterday, the following exchange ensued on Campbell's blog, About:Chron:

Now that the hurricane is essentially over as a Houston story, do you think we could get Cohen's answers? Posted by: Matt Bramanti at September 28, 2005 09:46 AM

Yes, before week's end. Posted by: James Campbell at September 28, 2005 09:52 AM

That's a relief.

Are they accepting new members?

LST reader and commenter Gregg sent this one along. These guys look like trouble. Fun trouble.

DeLay indicted, likely to face firing squad

In a clear sign that the nation's evil KKKonservative "majority" will inevitably collapse within 24 hours, House Majority Leader and spawn of the devil Tom DeLay was indicted today.

The charges range from conspiracy to cannibalism, and progressive legal activists expect DeLay to be executed by week's end, allowing the Democratic Party to reinstitute its wildly successful social programs and foreign policy efforts.

Travis County District Attorney Ronnie Earle, a completely neutral and unbiased champion of justice, called the totally non-politically motivated indictment "a huge victory for MoveOn. I mean, for law and order."

Doc offers free abortions for storm victims

It's been great to see residents of the Gulf Coast open their hearts in generosity to their fellow citizens. Then again, you just knew some scumbag would screw it all up:

A doctor has offered to perform free abortions on hurricane evacuees, saying it may be too dangerous for them to wait until they return home. Despite protests from abortion opponents, Little Rock Family Planning clinic director Dr. Jerry Edwards said he has already performed six free abortions. The clinic usually charges between $525 and $600 for a first-trimester abortion. "If we didn't provide it now, they would get it later — a late-term abortion that would give greater risk to the mother's health," Edwards told KTHV-TV in Little Rock.

What a sweetheart. Dr. Edwards has inspired me to perform similar acts of generous violence. Selfless, caring soul that I am, for the next week I'll be more than happy to toss hurricane victims down flights of stairs, dropkick stranded puppies, and coldcock elderly evacuees. No charge. Don't thank me, I'm just doing my duty.

Your technicolor tax dollars at work

Uncle Sam is whipping out his paintbrush, adding more color to the nation's currency in an attempt to foil high-tech counterfeiters. But there's also another benefit, according to the Associated Press:

There will be the addition of subtle background colors on both sides of the note to go with the traditional green and black. Each denomination has its own color to make finding the right bill in your wallet easier. For the $20, the additional colors were blue, peach and a different shade of green while the $50 bill featured the added colors of blue and red.

Thank you, government! If it weren't for you splashing ridiculous colors all over my money, how would I possibly know what denomination I'm carrying?

MISSING: Chronicle Reader Representative

Nearly a month ago, James T. Campbell, who represents literally dozens of loyal Chronicle readers, invited the unwashed masses to submit questions to Chron kingpin Jeff Cohen:

Feel free to ask anything from "Why doesn't the Chronicle have a conservative columnist on its staff?" to "Why was it necessary to redesign the newspaper?" I will pose your questions to Cohen and post his replies sometime during the week of September 5.

Well, that week came and went with no answers from Campbell. So did the following week. And the next one. Finally, Campbell posted a blog entry on Sept. 20, on an unrelated subject. Since then, it's been eerily quiet.

Too quiet. That's why I'm enlisting you, the Lone Star Times reader, to help find this man.

Be on the lookout. Campbell was last seen at 801 Texas Avenue about a week ago. Hopefully, this is just another false alarm. Campbell has been known to pull this disappearing act over and over again.

Still, information leading to Campbell's safe return will be rewarded handsomely.

VodkaPundit shakes up Appletini

Stephen Green over at VodkaPundit has a great piece on Apple's battle with record labels, who (I'm shocked, shocked!) want to raise prices on iTunes:

Eight weeks as a paying customer, and I've already downloaded over 200 songs. That's about 20 CDs worth of music. That's about $200 bucks for Apple and the record companies. That's more money than I spent on music in the last two years combined.

At 99 cents, it's hard to say no. At some higher price, it might be hard to say yes. Even at a buck twenty-five a pop, my $200 iTunes bill would have gone up 50 dollars – an increase substantial enough to make me think twice about buying something I barely thought once about buying for a dollar. Impulse purchases might have become calculated purchases. 200 songs for $200 might have become 100 songs for $125. Less music for me, less money for the recording industry.

It's basically a blow-by-blow of the unconscious microeconomic theory we all carry around in our noggins. He's right, too. Related: Corante's Copyfight

Notre Dame coach fulfills boy's last wish

I thought this kind of thing only happened in the movies:

After Craig Chambers fumbled at the 1-yard-line Saturday and the Huskies started lamenting an opportunity lost, Notre Dame coach Charlie Weis began thinking of a promise made. Weis revealed yesterday during his regular day-after news conference that he had met with a 10-year-old Notre Dame fan on Wednesday who was suffering from inoperable brain cancer, and that the boy had asked him to pass on the first play against UW. The boy, Montana Mazurkiewicz of Mishawaka, Ind., died Friday, something Weis learned after the Irish arrived in Seattle. Weis didn't hesitate to follow through on Montana's request, even though the Irish started its first possession of the game at its 1-yard-line following the UW turnover. The play, a pass from quarterback Brady Quinn to tight end Anthony Fasano, turned into a 13-yard gain in a game Notre Dame won 36-17.

How 'bout them Irish.