Fun with Google search results

Y'all have found my little chunk of the Internet by using the following terms:

• chuck norris jokes hurricane
• free pornographic videos
• youth hockey massachusetts blog
• tookus
• women chest hair
• blog of the islamic revolution

And of course, the ever popular:

• sluts for hire

At least I won't be pigeonholed.

I didn't know that!

Fun facts about Chuck Norris:

Chuck Norris sold his soul to the devil for his rugged good looks and unparalleled martial arts ability. Shortly after the transaction was finalized, Chuck roundhouse kicked the devil in the face and took his soul back. The devil, who appreciates irony, couldn’t stay mad and admitted he should have seen it coming. They now play poker every second Wednesday of the month.

To prove it isn’t that big of a deal to beat cancer. Chuck Norris smoked 15 cartons of cigarettes a day for 2 years and aquired 7 different kinds of cancer only to rid them from his body by flexing for 30 minutes. Beat that, Lance Armstrong.

Chuck Norris once tried to sue Burger King after they refused to put razor wire in his Whopper Jr., insisting that that actually is “his” way.

And a whole lot more.

Nuclear holocaust? Bring it on!

During hurricane season, I kept putting off buying supplies. The stores were nuts, and I'm just not a big fan of navigating all that crap. But today I figured now's as a good a time as any to actualize the Boy Scout Motto. So I embarked on a Mattsapundit Emergency Management Agency trek to my friendly neighborhood Wal-Mart, where I grabbed a big plastic tub, and rolled through the aisles, shoveling in items that might prove useful during the aftermath of a hurricane/flood/nuclear exchange/Detroit Pistons victory celebration.

Food: -Spam (for optimal sodium levels) -Fruit, canned (so I don't get the scurvy) -Chili (it's still Texas, even if it's post-apocalyptic Texas) -Stew (just like Mama used to make, before she was vaporized) -Peanuts, canned (high-energy salty goodness) -Pudding, vanilla (because chocolate pudding sucks) -Soup, chicken noodle (in case I have a post-apocalyptic cold) Water: -Spring, three gallons (nothing but the best) Tools & Stuff: -Knife -Twine (for tying stuff) -Rope, nylon (for field-expedient administration of justice) -Tape, duct (for miscellaneous taping and hostage-silencing uses) -Flashlight (for when the post-apocalyptic nuclear wasteland isn't glowing brightly) -Batteries (I know damn well how shitty CenterPoint is, even in pre-apocalyptic situations) -Ammunition, .22 and .40S&W (for dealing with varmints, looters and uncooperative insurance claims adjusters) -Gasoline, five gallons (for fueling Mattsapundit Mobile Command and burning the bodies of those lucky enough to have been killed in The Incident) -Openers, can and bottle -Pens and paper -Marker, Sharpie -Camera, disposable (for filling up the post-post-apocalyptic photo album) First Aid and Toiletries: -Band-Aids (for boo-boos) -Gauze (for more serious wounds) -Bandage, ace (for the inevitable post-apocalyptic sprains and strains) -BC Headache Powder (which cures everything) -Pepto-Bismol (for the dystentery likely to set in since I didn't buy enough water) -Peroxide, hydrogen (in case my wounds don't sting enough) -Soap, dish (for removing tough, baked-on radioactive grease) -Soap, people (ditto) -Toothbrush and toothpaste (for a gleaming, minty fresh post-apocalyptic smile) -Bleach (for...um...I really have no idea) -Trash bags, plastic

I realize that I've left off some things, which I've listed below:

-Battery-operated radio (for listening to the post-apocalyptic Dan Patrick Show) -Waterproof pouch for important documents -Beer -Tarp

I'm sure there are also things I don't realize I need (the "unknown unknowns," as Rummy would say) Any suggestions would be appreciated.

Haikus for Centerpoint Energy

It happened again The electrons stopped flowing Vengeance will be mine

Turn the juice back on You dumbass jerkoff shitheads It's cold and it's dark

Centerpoint tells me "It's probably just a fuse" You call that service?

Gobble gobble gobble

Happy Thansgiving from all of us at Mattsapundit Central Command. Stay tuned, folks. Remember those changes I promised y'all a little while ago? They're coming, and from what I've seen so far, they're going to be pretty sweet.

AP issues alarmist story on detainees

Put on your Fisking caps, kids. This AP dispatch is just plain goofy:

The United States has detained more than 83,000 foreigners in the four years of the war on terror, enough to nearly fill the NFL's largest stadium.

Split infinitive aside, what's with that comparison? Why use a football stadium? Why not say "laid end to end, they would reach from New York to Mecca" or "Ground into a fine paste, they could pave 450 acres of parking lots?"

The number has steadily grown since the first CIA paramilitary officers touched down in Afghanistan in the fall of 2001, setting up more than 20 facilities including the "Salt Pit," an abandoned factory outside Kabul used for CIA detention and interrogation.

What's the matter, AP? You won't give us the freakin' address of the formerly-secret national security facility? And that's just the beginning of this story, which apparently seeks to prove the monkey/typewriter hypothesis.

Some 82,400 people have been detained by the military alone in Afghanistan and Iraq, according to figures from officials in Baghdad and Washington.

Earlier, the story attributes the increase to CIA involvement. Now the reporterette is saying that the CIA is only responsible for about 600 of the 83,000 detainees. It's likely that neither one of those explanations is correct, and they're both symptomatic of lazy reporting and unfamiliarity with arithmetic.

The detentions and interrogations have brought complaints from Congress and human-rights groups about how the detainees - often Arab and male - are treated.

Often male and Arab? Since when do AP writers stand up for the rights of the ruling majority?

Some 82,400 people have been detained by the military alone in Afghanistan and Iraq, according to figures from officials in Baghdad and Washington. Many are freed shortly after initial questioning.To put that in context, the capacity of the Washington Redskins' FedEx Field, the NFL's largest, is 91,704. The second largest, Giants Stadium, holds 80,242.

To put that in further context, these guys want to blow up EVERY NFL stadium.

In Iraq, the Defense Department says 5,569 detainees have been held for more than six months, and 3,801 have been held more than a year. Some 229 have been locked up for more than two years.

I have no idea why that passage was buried deeper in the story than the capacity of Giants Stadium.

Pentagon officials say those mistreated are relatively few when the sheer numbers are considered.

Last week, Senate Armed Services Chairman John Warner, R-Va., said that more than 400 criminal investigations have been conducted and 95 military personnel have been charged with misconduct.

400 investigations out of 83,000 prisoners. That's not "relatively few." That's less than one-half of one percent.

Through the CIA, a much smaller prison population is maintained secretly by the agency and friendly governments.

Was. WAS maintained secretly. Thanks, AP!

The agency consistently declines to comment.

That's because it's the CIA. Unlike the AP, intelligence agencies are there to protect national secrets, not spray them all over the newspapers.

Among them, Khalid Shaikh Mohammed, an alleged mastermind of the 9/11 attacks.

That one isn't even a complete sentence.

Terrorists declare intent to conquer world for Islam

At least they're being honest:

One of the radical groups operating on the Temple Mount is Hizab Altahrir (The Islamic Liberation Party), which espouses an ideology similar to Al Qaeda. Hizab Altahrir’s network spans most Western European countries.

A senior party activist in Jerusalem, Sheikh Issam Amira, expressed this philosophy in a recent speech which he made on the Temple Mount: “Listeners! The Moslems in Denmark make up three percent [of the population], yet constitute a threat to the future of the Danish kingdom. It’s no surprise that in Bitrab (the ancient name of Medina, a city in Arabia to which Mohammed immigrated) they were fewer than three percent of the general population, but succeeded changing the regime in Bitrab. “It’s no surprise that our brothers in Denmark have succeeded in bringing Islam to every home in that country. Allah will grant us victory in their land to establish the [Islamic] revolution in Denmark.”

Sheikh Riyad Salah, head of the Islamic movement in Israel has also been active teaching the tenets of “Islamic revolution.” “We are at the gates of the Islamic revolution,” he proclaims in his sermons to Arab citizens of Israel. “The global forces of evil will be eliminated from the world and the Islamic nation will remain in place in order to bring about the world Islamic revolution, with its capital, Jerusalem.”

What's the timeframe for all this? Pretty soon:

The youth were greeted by party members who shouted, “Next year in Jerusalem, under the rule of the Islamic revolution.”

Please explain to me why these animals deserve a state.

[Hat-tip: Jihad Watch]

Gore: Warming more serious than terrorism

Al Gore recently took time out of his busy day to remind America how lucky we are that he's not president:

"What changed in the US with hurricane Katrina was a feeling that we have entered a period of consequences and that bitter cup will be offered to us again and again until we exert our moral authority and respond appropriately," he says. "I don't want to diminish the threat of terrorism at all, it is extremely serious, but on a long-term global basis, global warming is the most serious problem we are facing."

Al? You there, buddy? Pay very close attention. Let's assume, just for a moment, that "global warming" is real, and it is a man-made phenomenon. U.S.-style global warming looks like this:

Yay!

Al-Qaeda-style global warming looks like this:

Boo!

Comprende?

From the 'Glad It Wasn't Me' File

This just might be the most screwed-up story of the day:

Thai police are warning tourists of a new scam. Members of a Thai transvestite gang have confessed to hiding strong sedatives in their mouths and spitting them down the throats of victims during deep kissing. Then they rob the drugged tourists. The confession came from three attractive transvestites arrested in Bangkok last week. Police say they'd robbed a Bangladeshi businessman of more than $7,300 in cash and valuables. Police say the victim told investigators he met the transvestites in a bar and invited them all back to his apartment. After kissing one, he said he felt dizzy and passed out. When he woke up, his cash, watch, mobile phone and notebook computer were gone.

I know I say this all the time, but apparently some people don't listen, so I'll say it again: DO NOT KISS YOUR THAI TRANSVESTITE HOOKER ON THE MOUTH.

BENZION ADDS-- You will recall that those very words are printed at the top of Page 2 in the LoneStarTimes.com employee manual. Which is one of the many reasons we've been able to keep our health-care costs so low.